Most of this book follows from the idea that kids are people and have needs and desires that are understandable if you actually try to understand them. It gives a lot of good conversation patterns for empathetically interacting with people who are frustrated or upset, which seem pretty useful for both kids and adults. ( )

Excellent strategies seriously hampered by archaic parenting styles.. If she stripped the book of the hundreds of casual references to hitting and spanking kids, it would have gotten 4 or 5 stars. As is, 2 stars is generous. ( )

This is a wonderful book that helps you evaluate and change your own communication tendencies and strategies with people of ANY age. Even though it's geared toward interacting with children, the principles apply universally. Loved it. ( )

Here is the bestselling book that will give you the know-how you need to be more effective with your children--and more supportive of yourself. The down-to-earth, respectful approach of Faber and Mazlish makes relationships with children of all ages less stressful and more rewarding. This book is full of practical, innovative ways to solve common problems and build foundations for lasting relationships.Selected Reading Questionnaire.

Here is the bestselling book that will give you the know-how you need to be more effective with your children--and more supportive of yourself. The down-to-earth, respectful approach of Faber and Mazlish makes relationships with children of all ages less stressful and more rewarding. This book is full of practical, innovative ways to solve common problems and build foundations for lasting relationships.Selected Reading Questionnaire.

This book has fundamentally changed how I understand my role as a coach and mentor. It’s made a huge difference in lessening the pressure on myself to protect my students from themselves and trust them to be smart enough to problem solve. More importantly, I realize how much I’ve been holding them back from reaching their full potentials by denying them the opportunities to learn and grow. I plan to read it a few more times until the techniques become habit. ( )

A self-help classic full of useful nuggets (albeit pretty chatty). More worthwhile than I'd expected for all kinds of communication, though, even though it's been 40 years and two or even three generations have been exposed to these lessons. ( )

Helpful ( )

Reading this book is like gaining mind control power over children.
( )

The chapter (5) on Praising needs to be updated with the latest research in that field but other than that the book seems very usefull. ( )

an excellent communication tool kit based on a series of workshops developed by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Faber and Mazlish (coauthors of Siblings Without Rivalry) provide a step-by-step approach to improving relationships in your house.

Haha so much of the same stuff other parenting books have said, some good ideas of how to make some changes. Some of conversation tips were nice ideas. But not much more than be involved and talk to your children, make them feel important, and show an interest in what they say. Why do we have to be told to do this.
For more reviews see my blog: https://adventuresofabibliophile.blogspot.com
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My girlfriend gave me this book to read. It's very insightful and the techniques work for me and my children. I highly recommend it! ( )

Worth reading, then re-reading every few years. This is not just about how to talk to children, but how to communicate to and empathize effectively with anybody, especially stubborn people. Within the first few chapters, it became clear that, even though I swore since my teens never to end up like my mother (love you Mom), I was, by the book's standards, a nagger! It was an eye-opener that I was saying exactly the wrong things. Females with male friends or significant others: if your men are the type to react to a any conversation longer than a minute with stonewalling-- you will be able to relate. The book promised better communication by using fewer but well-chosen words, and I was game for anything that could reduce the stress I felt in many recent emotionally and verbally exhausting attempts to resolve conflict, that still ended up nowhere. I have to say I have been trying out the basic techniques, and am amazed at the positive reaction I am getting from grown adults. It is easy to slip into old habits, so again, I plan to re-read this whenever I feel the need for a refresher course.

My copy is the 30th Anniversary edition, with a new chapter by Adele Faber's daughter, Joanna, who shares her own experience with her mother's methods. I like that it is not something simply an echoing of what has already been said, but a substantial addition, with many ideas on how the method continues to work in the next generation.

The writing is clear and the format is very harried-parent (-spouse/-friend) friendly: a bulleted list summarizes the main points of each chapter, and cartoons and workbook pages with all the key words really help one internalize the ideas.

I look forward to revisiting this book again soon. ( )

This book is thoroughly engaging and I'm glad I bumped into this while browsing for something. It talks about various ways in which you can allow of your kid to talk and open up themselves, while making them better listeners themselves. There are practice questions / exercises throughout the book that'll help you ingrain the concepts in your mind.

I found many parts of the book ingenious and easy to implement. The section on alternatives to punishment was absolutely eye-opening. My wife and I have discussed many pointers in this book and are on the way practice them with our 6 yr old.

I thought I was a good (at least decent) parent, but the book said otherwise. Time to improve now!

The best part of the book is that the relationship rules / guidelines mentioned can be applied to any relationship - so technically the title could have been 'How to talk so others will listen...'. ( )

It requires a great act of faith to believe that if we take the time to sit down and share our real feelings with a young person, and listen to his feelings, together we'll come up with solutions that will be right for both of us. (110)

I was surprised by some of the assumed parenting styles (authoritarian, disciplinarian, and a lack of empathy - see first quote below), but perhaps that's because my parents read this book when I was little and did a pretty good job applying the principles. It's full of examples (here's what you might do/say...here's what you might do/say instead...), which is helpful, though I imagine I'll be revisiting it periodically over the next couple decades.

Quotes

"My turtle is dead!"
"Don't cry, it's only a turtle."
WTF?? What parent reacts this way? (14)

Helping children deal with their feelings - Children need to have their feelings accepted and respected
1. You can listen attentively
2. You can acknowledge their feelings with a word.
3. You can give the feeling a name
4. You can give the child his wishes in fantasy.
All feelings can be accepted.
Certain actions must be limited. (26)

To engage a child's cooperation
1. Describe what you see, or describe the problem
2. Give information
3. Say it with a word
4. Describe what you feel
5. Write a note (75)

To problem-solve
1. Talk about the child's feelings and needs
2. Talk about your feelings and needs
3. Brainstorm together to find a mutually agreeable solution
4. Write down all ideas - without evaluating
5. Decide which suggestions you like, which you don't like, and which you plan to follow through on (103)

Instead of punishment:
1. Express your feelings strongly - without attacking character
2. State your expectations
3. Show the child how to make amends
4. Offer a choice
5. Take action
6. Problem-solve. (112)

To encourage autonomy
1. Let children make choices
2. Show respect for a child's struggle (When a child's struggle is respected, he gathers courage to see a job through by himself)
3. Don't ask too many questions
4. Don't rush to answer questions
5. Encourage children to use sources outside the home
6. Don't take away hope (144, 146)

Praise and self-esteem
1. Describe what you see
2. Describe what you feel
3. Sum up the child's praiseworthy behavior with a word (perseverance, organization, etc.) (190)

Often children can use praise at the very times that we're least likely to give it to them - when they're not doing especially well. (198) ( )

Wonderful stuff. I read this when my sons were small, and wish I'd had a copy to refer to year by year! The authors explain how the best kind of parenting focuses on mutual respect - neither permissiveness nor strictness - where children are encouraged to talk about their feelings, and parents can also explain theirs. This paves the way for discussion, negotiation, and the discovery of solutions to problems which are acceptable to all.

Full of anecdotes, examples, cartoon representations of some of their theories, and responses from parents who have attended their workshops, this book is a goldmine for any parent having difficulty communicating with any of their children. Indeed, it's valuable anyway, even when relationships are good; they can always be improved upon. And while the focus is clearly on parents with children, many of the principles can be used in the workplace, in a marriage, and even amongst friends.

I was delighted to be sent this 30th anniversary edition for review, and read it cover to cover despite having no children at home any more. There's an extra section at the end written by the daughter of one of the authors, now a parent herself, which is both reassuring and encouraging.

Highly, highly recommended. I would give this ten stars if I could! ( )

At first glance, I thought this book looked cheesy. I didn't like the color scheme or the design. It talks about how many copy it's sold right there on the cover. And it doesn't have a title. Instead of a title, it has a lengthy description which makes it impractical to name in conversation. Also, my copy was printed on low-quality acid pulp paper [it was severely yellowed even though it's only ten years old]. Inside it, it had all of these exercises, which intimidated me a little bit. I ended up skipping them for reasons of practicality. Well, I read through them, but I didn’t have someone to practice them with.

But my partner asked me to read the book as my birthday present to her. This was back in December. And I’m not yet a black belt in childhood communication, so I read it anyways.

After all that, I’d recommend you not to underestimate the potency of this book. It’s not just a book about communication with children [especially your own children or children that live in your household]. It’s a book about life.

There are some strong parallels to Zen. Living with children is a little like the monastic life: stark, bleak, austere, solitary. It requires a lot of discipline, resolve, vigilance, and steadfastness. This book offers inspiration, reassurance, and a new set of skill to excel in this environment. It could even be called a spiritual handbook.

For the most part, the book avoids the Separationist mentality. It's thesis: that children are a product of their environment. What does it take to be a good communicator with children: listening, empathy, minimalism, openness, realism, adaptability, observation, nonjudgementality.

This book has given me a lot to work with, and I look forward to putting it to practice.

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Notes from the Book

Helping Children Deal with Their Feelings:
Listen quietly and attentively
Acknowledge their feelings with a word
Give the feeling a name
Give the child his wishes in fantasy
Engaging Cooperation

Negative tendencies by the parent:
Blaming and Accusing
Name-calling
Threats
Commands
Lecturing and Moralizing
Warnings
Martyrdom Statements
Comparisons
Sarcasms
Prophecy

Alternatives:
Describe what you see, or describe the problem.
Give information.
Say it with a word.
Talk about your feelings.
Write a note.

Alternatives to Punishment

Hatred, revenge, defiance, guilt, unworthiness, self-pity.

Alternatives:
Point out a way to be helpful.
Express strong disapproval (without attacking character).
State your expectations.
Show the child how to make amends.
Give a choice.
Take action.
Allow the child to experience the consequences of his misbehavior.

Problem Solving:
Talk about the child’s feelings and needs.
Talk about your feelings and needs.
Brainstorm together to find a mutually agreeable solution.
Write down all idea–without evaluating.
Decide which suggestions you like, which you don’t like, and which you plan to follow through on.

Encouraging Autonomy
Let children make choices.
Show respect for a child’s struggle.
Don’t ask too many questions.
Don’t rush to answer questions.
Encourage children to use sources outside the home.
Don’t take away hope.

Additional Tactics
Let her own her own body.
Stay out of the minutiae of a child’s life.
Don’t talk about a child in front of him–no matter how young the child.
Let a child answer for himself
Show respect for your child’s eventual “readiness.”
Watch out for too many “no’s.”

Alternatives to no
Give information
Accept feelings
Describe the problem
When possible substitute a “yes” for a “no”
Give yourself time to think

Giving advice
Help her sort out her tangled thoughts and feelings
Restate the problem as a question
Point out resources your child can use outside the home

Praise

Side effects:
Doubt
Denial
Threat
Weakness
Anxiety
Manipulation

Instead:
Describe what you see
Describe what you feel
Sum up the child’s praiseworthy behavior with a word

Caution:
Make sure your praise is appropriate to your child’s age and level of ability.
Avoid the kind of praise that hints at past weaknesses or past failures.
Be aware that excessive enthusiasm can interfere with a child’s desire to accomplish for herself.
Be prepared for a lot of repetition of the same activity when you describe what a child is doing appreciatively.

Freeing Children from Playing Roles
Look for opportunities to show the child a new picture of himself or herself.
Put children in situations where they can see themselves differently.
Let children overhear you say something positive about them.
Model the behavior you’d like to see.
Be as storehouse for your child’s special moments.
When your child acts according to the old label, state your feelings and/or your expectations.

Read my review here. ( )

reading again, as Jamie ages, the relevancy changes!

This isn't the first re-read of this book for me, but of all the parenting books I've read over the years it's my favourite. The schmaltz is limited, and a lot of it is good common sense that's useful to be reminded of every now and again.

I was conscious that I've not been properly listening to my 8 year old recently, and that I can be quick to respond to things he says with a 'told-you-so' response, or to try and suggest for him how he fixes a problem. He's definitely reaching a new stage of independence, so this book has reminded me to allow him to be more autonomous, and to do his own problem solving.

So, this bit of calibration has already had two successes today. Firstly, I told my son I was going to try really hard to acknowledge his feelings more about things rather than immediately telling him what to do. His immediate response was "Mum - that's what I've been really wanting you to do". OK - point taken.

Secondly, I decided to use his desire for increased autonomy to both our benefits. He normally takes a year to pick his way through his dinner, but tonight I said - "I'm going to allow you to be independent and grown up about how you eat your dinner this evening". And what do you know, he did much better than usual (still at his speed rather than mine, but there was no battle).

4 stars - a useful tool for the most important job you ever get without a handbook. ( )

definitely one of the better parenting books i've read, with practical solutions or ideas for just about everything. they boil it down to basic communication, and make a lot of sense. this is a newer edition of a book that was written something like 30+ years ago, and i would have thought they'd update some of it. for example there is a lot of assuming that the alternative to the good communication that they're teaching is to hit or spank your child. there is a lot more emphasis on moving away from the physical than i think (hope?) there needs to be (because hopefully people are already not hitting their children).

like in all parenting books some of it seems ridiculous, but putting it into practice is worthwhile, and not always as easy as it sounds. this has great reminders and is worth keeping for reference.

what i know will be hardest for me is to stop trying to problem solve and learn details. this passage reminded me of answering the phone on the rape crisis hotline, where what was important wasn't learning what happened, but showing your support and belief: "The urge to question is so strong. If we find out what the problem is, we feel we have a chance to fix it. But often the fix is simple acceptance. Even if this girl hadn't told me what was wrong, I feel sure that having an adult just sit with her and acknowledge her distress without question would have been the most healing remedy."

and to use: "I'd love to hear about [...] when you're ready to tell about it." or "Come tell me about [...] when you're in the mood."

also, we try hard not to use reward/punishment with our son but don't always succeed. so there were good reminders in here, too, that using punishment isn't helpful in any other relationship dynamic. ("In most of our relationships we don't have the power to punish people...") ( )

Non-stop repetitive easier-said-than-done wishful-thinking nonsense, and brags about it. It doesn't address, for example, things that happen that they don't have advice for. This book is a con. If this is the parenting "bible" then I'm scared about what the rest of scripture looks like. I completed the book because I thought it could help,but it was a waste of my time. The bottom line seems be: be cool, manipulate your children, be creative. It could have said all that in 20 pages.

I hope I can put these things into practice. ( )

Pretty well-written but a little idealistic. Still good tips one should take to mind, and it makes you think about things from a kid's perspective, something we too often forget to do. ( )

I think this book, which encourages accepting other people's feelings as a starting point will help me not only in my parenting, but also in my teaching and general human interactions. I learned strategies for dealing with kids' feelings, engaging cooperation, finding alternatives to punishment, encouraging autonomy, praising effectively, and freeing kids from roles. One of the biggest helps for me personally is some illustration of the need to acknowledge how difficult something may be for someone else (even if I don't find it so). Highly recommended for all teachers and parents. ( )