I tried to laugh, old care to tickle, yet could not "Tickle”

touch;

And then, alack! I missed my "Mickle,”—and surely Mickle's much.

"Tis quite enough my griefs to feed, my sorrows to excuse, To think I cannot read my "Reid," nor even use my "Hughes;"

My classics would not quiet lie, a thing so fondly hoped; Like Dr. Primrose, I may cry, my "Livy" has eloped.

My life is ebbing fast away,-I suffer from these shocks; And though I fixed a look on " Gray," there's gray upon my locks.

I'm far from "Young," am growing pale, I see my "Butler "fly; And when they ask about my ail, 'tis "Burton," I reply.

They still have made me slight returns, and thus my griefs divide;

For O, they cured me of my "Burns," and eased my "Akenside."

66

But all I think I shall not say, nor let my anger burn; For, as they never found me 'Gay," they have not left me "Sterne."

VII.-GOODY GRIM v. LAPSTONE.

(SMITH. Matthews "At Home.")

WHAT a profound study is the law! and how difficult to fathom! Well, let us consider the law; for our laws are very considerable, both in bulk and numbers; according as the statutes declare—considerandi, considerando, considerandum-and are not to be meddled with by those who don't understand them.

Law always expresses itself with true grammatical precision, never confounding moods, cases, or genders; except, indeed, when a woman happens accidentally to be slain, then a verdict is always brought in, man-slaughter. The essence of the law is altercation; for the law can altercate, fulminate, deprecate, irritate, and go on at any rate. "Your son follows the law, I think, Sir Thomas?" "Yes, madam;

but I am afraid he will never overtake it: a man following the law, is like two boys running round a table; he follows the law, and the law follows him." However, if you take away the whereofs, whereases, wherefores, and notwithstandings, the whole mystery vanishes; it is then plain and simple. Now the quintessence of the law has, according to its name, five parts :-the first is the beginning, or incipiendum; the second, the uncertainty, or dubitandum; the third, delay, or puzzle-endum; fourthly, replication without endum; and fifthly, monstrum et horrendum: all which are clearly exemplified in the following case-GOODY GRIM against LAPSTONE. This trial happened in a certain town, which, for reasons, shall be nameless, and is as follows:Goody Grim inhabited an alms-house, No. 2; Will Lapstone, a superannuated cobbler, lived in No. 3; and a certain Jew pedlar, who happened to pass through the town where those alms-houses were situated, could only think of number One. Goody Grim was in the act of killing one of her own proper pigs; but the animal, disliking the ceremony, burst from her hold ran through the semi-circular legs of the aforesaid Jew-knocked him in the mud-ran back to Will Lapstone's, the cobbler, upset a quart bottle full of gin belonging to the said Lapstone, and took refuge in the cobbler's state bed.

The parties, being, of course, in the most opulent circumstances, consulted counsel learned in the law. The result was, that Goody Grim was determined to bring an action against Lapstone "for the loss of her pig with a curly tail;" and Lapstone to bring an action against Goody Grim "for the loss of a quart bottle full of Hollands gin;" and Mordecai to bring an action against them both "for de losh of a tee-totum dat fell out of his pocket in de rencounter." They all delivered their briefs to counsel, before it was considered they were all parties, and no witnesses. But Goody Grim, like a wise old lady as she was, now changed her battery, determined to bring an action against Lapstone, and bind over Mordecai as an evidence.

The indictment set forth, "That he, Lapstone, not having the fear of the assizes before his eyes, but being moved by pig, and instigated by pruinsence, did on the first day of

April, a day sacred in the annals of the law, steal, pocket, hide, and crib, divers, that is to say, five hundred hogs, sows, boars, pigs, and porkers, with curly tails; and did secrete the said five hundred hogs, sows, boars, pigs, and porkers, with curly tails, in the said Lapstone's bed, against the peace of our Lady the Queen, her crown, and dignity." Mordecai was examined by Counsellor Puzzle. Puzzle. Well, sir, what are you?

Mordecai. I sells old clo' and sealing-vax and puckles. P. I did not ask you what sold;

are?

you I ask you what you

M. I am about five and forty.

P. I did not ask your age; I ask what you are?
M. I am a Jew.

P. Why couldn't you tell me that at first? Well, then, sir, if you are a Jew, tell me what you know of this affair.

M. As I vas a valking along

P. Man-I didn't want to know where you were walking.

M. Vell, vell, vell! As I vas a valking along

P. So you will walk along in spite of all that can be said. M. Plesh ma heart, you frighten me out of ma vits—As I vas a valking along, I seed de unclean animal coming tovards me-and so, says I-Oh! Father Abraham, says I—

P. Father Abraham, sir, is no evidence.

M. You must let me tell ma story ma own vay, or I cannot tell it at all. As I vas a valking along, I seed de unclean animal coming tovards me and so, says I-Oh, Father Abraham, says I, here comes de unclean animal tovards me; and he runned between ma legs, and upshet me in de mut.

P. Now, do you mean to say, upon your oath, that that little animal had the power to upset you in the mud? M. I vill tak ma cash dat he upshet me in de mut. P. And pray, sir, on what side did you fall?

M. On de mutty side.

P. I mean on which of your own sides did you fall?
M. I fell on ma left side.

P. Now, on your oath, was it your left side?

M. I vill tak ma oash it vas ma left side.

P. And, pray, what did you do when you fell down?
M. I got up again as fast as I could.

P. Perhaps you could tell me whether the pig had a curly tail?

M. I vill tak ma oash his tail vas so curly as ma peerd. P. And, pray, where were you going when this happened?

M. I vas going to de sign of de Goose and Gridiron.

P. Now, on your oath, what has a goose to do with a gridiron?

M. I don't know, only it vas de sign of de house. And all more vat I know vas, dat I lose an ivory tee-totum out of ma pocket.

P. Oh, you lost a tee-totum, did you? I thought we should bring you to something at last. My Lord, I beg leave to take an exception to this man's evidence! he does not come into court with clean hands.

M. How de mischief should I, ven I have been polishing ma goods all morning?

P. Now, my Lord, your Lordship is aware that the word tee-totum is derived from the Latin terms of te and tutum, which mean, "keep yourself safe." And this man, but for my sagacity, observation, and so forth, would have kept himself safe; but now he has, as the learned Lord Verulam expresses it, "let the cat out of the bag."

M. I vill tak ma oash I had no cat in ma bag.

P. My Lord, by his own confession, he was about to vend a tee-totum. Now, my Lord, and gentlemen of the jury, it is my duty to point out to you, that a tee-totum is an unlawful machine, made of ivory, with letters printed upon it, for the purpose of gambling! Now your Lordship knows that the Act, commonly known by the name of the "Littlego Act," expressly forbids all games of chance whatever; whether put, or whist, or marbles, or swabs, or dumps, or chuckfarthing, or tee-totum, or what not. And, therefore, I do contend that this man's evidence is contra bonos mores, and he is, consequently, non compos testimoniæ.

Counsellor Botherem then rose up,-"My Lord, and gentlemen of the jury, my learned friend, Puzzle, has, in a most facetious manner, endeavoured to cast a slur on the highly

honourable evidence of the Jew merchant. And I do contend, that he who buys and sells, is, bona fide, inducted into all the mysteries of merchandise; ergo, he who merchandizes, is, to all intents and purposes, a merchant. My learned friend, in the twistings and turnings of his argument, in handling the tee-totum, can only be called obiter dictum;— he is playing, my Lord, a losing game. Gentlemen! he has told you the origin, use, and abuse of the tee-totum; but gentlemen! he has forgot to tell you what that great luminary of the law, the late learned Coke, has said on the subject, in a case exactly similar to this, in the 234th folio volume of the Abridgment of the Statutes, page 1349, where he thus lays down the law, in the case of Hazard versus Blacklegs-Gamblendum consistet, enactum gamblendi, sed non evendum macheni placendi.' My Lord, I beg leave to say, that, if I prove my client was in the act of vending, and not playing with the said instrument-the tee-totumI humbly presume that all my learned friend has said will come to the ground."

Judge. Certainly, brother Botherem, there's no doubt the learned sergeant is incorrect! The law does not put a man extra legium for merely spinning a tee-totum.

Botherem. My Lord, one of the witnesses has owned that the pig had a curly tail. Now, my Lord, I presume if I prove the pig had a straight tail, the objection must be fatal.

Judge. Certainly; order the pig into court.

Here the pig was produced; and, upon examination, it was found to have a straight tail, which finished the trial. The learned judge, in summing up the evidence, addressed the jury:-"Gentlemen of the jury, it is wholly unnecessary to recapitulate the evidence; for the removal of this objection removes all ground of action. And notwithstanding the ancient statute, which says, ‘Serium pigum, et boreum pigum, et vendi curlum tailum,' there is an irrefragable proof, by ocular demonstration, that Goody Grim's grunter had a straight tail; and, therefore, the prisoner must be acquitted."

This affair is thrown into Chancery, and it is expected it will be settled about the end of the year 1950.