Continual prayer. On thefe occafions the intolerable pride and extreme enmity of my heart, against God and all true religion, would manifeft itself. With difficulty it was that I could prevail with myself even to read her letters. Doubts of all kinds concerning fcripture-verity were welcome to me, and I cherished them. In my difputations at college I often fpoke of the Bible most irreverently, and not feldom (alas! I blush at the recollection) fought to display my wit by jefting with it. It cost me no shame at all to appear before my friends in the character of an enemy to revealed religion; on the contrary, I feized with avidity every opportunity of moving a doubt concerning either the facts or doctrines of the word of God.

To my friends I was accustomed to read effays and differtations that I had compofed with exprefs purpose to impugn and expose to ridicule, both the authority of fcripture and the narratives of the facred writers. Some fragments of my performances in that way are ftill in my cuftody, which ferve me as unequivocal memorials of my former impiety, and afford me ample matter as well of humiliation and fhame, as of praise and glory which I defire to give to the unfpeakable grace of God, who fnatched me from fuch an abyfs of iniquity and woe, and conducted me to the greatest poffible felicity. Sentiments which, I hope, those papers will never cease to fuggeft to me. Several of the most important doctrines, such as thofe of the facred Trinity, original fin, and eternal punishment, the incarnation and atonement, and the operations of the Holy Spirit, were a ftumbling-block to me, and foolishness. Almoft conftantly I felt myself inclined to deny and reject them, and fometimes, which was worse, to blafpheme them. Often I was a Deift, and, at times, a Socinian. quently too I wickedly fought occafion to controvert those truths in company, and to render them fufpected to my friends. My opinions about them feemed to myself fo well founded, that I was perfuaded I should never change them. It was my purpose, though I should engage in the miniftry, the moment I could find any other means of creditable fubfiftence, to apply for my difmiffion, and make a public avowal of my principles. Moreover, I now and then conceived a defign, to write, in due time, against revelation, and to fend abroad into the world my doubts concerning the authority of fcripture. The pernicious works of Enicde. nus, Voltaire, and others, were very hurtful to me, and confirmed me not a little in my deiftical notions. And certain it is, that unless God had interpofed by his grace to prevent it, I fhould in all probability have gone forth a declared enemy of revelation, at leaft of all true and spiritual religion.

Fre

In the mean time I was accustomed frequently to pray at night on my bed, and in a phrase and manner perfectly oppofite to my own opinions. Among other things I afked for converfion, ufing ordinarily these words,-" Draw me, Oh Lord! and I will run VOL. XIX. March, 1796.

R

after

after thee; convert me and I fhall be converted."-A fingular inftance of God's over-ruling power! My prayer evidently contradicted my own ideas and opinions, and I asked that which I neither believed poffible nor defirable. I prayed alfo for God's affiftance that I might grow in talents and in wisdom, that my ftudies might profper, that the projects, with which pride and ambition prompted me, might have good fuccefs, and that my love of Mifs E. might have confequences anfwerable to my withes. Finally I prayed, that my parents, kindred, tutors and friends, might all be objects of the divine benediction. Sometimes, through fleepinefs or other hindrances, my prayers were either fadly interrupted or altogether neglected, but it coft me little regret or folicitude. While I prayed in this manner, it generally happened that my mind was extraordinarily agitated, and I experienced great emotion; nor can I doubt that I was occafionally much affifted by what are termed the common operations of the Holy Spirit. During these exercises, I was wont to reprefent to myself the divine prefence as a glorious light in heaven, like that of the fun, which light feemed visible to my imagination. My devotions of this kind were accompanied with great fervour, and even with a fpecies of joy. Yet I have caufe to believe that they were fometimes followed by a more daring and prefumptuous commiffion of fin, for, (the duty once performed) I feemed to have acquired a right to fin at my ease, and without disturbance.

At this time I was fickly and debilitated; a fudden dread of death would occafionally torment me, efpecially in the evening and when I was alone. I often had a fingular notion that death would be particularly unwelcome and terrible to me in the dusk of evening, or in the night, or even in a gloomy day, but that I could die willingly and gladly under a bright fun and a ferene sky. These fudden alarms and terrors however produced no fruit. 'I neither know nor believe that at this time I had any thoughts at all of the neceffity of regeneration and faith in Chrift. My meditations were unfrequent, and fuch were my religious affections; accordingly they were never effectual to beget in me an earnest defire of a new heart, or of recovering the loft favour of God.

About three or four months, I think it was, before my converfion, that by reading the works of J. A. Turretinus I was much ftrengthened in my belief of God's exiftence, his perfections and providence, and in a confiderable measure cured of my incredu lity concerning the authority of fcripture. With great pleasure and with a full affent to the truth of them, I ftudied his numerous differtations, and was fometimes overwhelmed with fuch a fenfe of the divine majefty and glory as to feem not far from the kingdom of God. From this time, I understood and confeffed the authority and divinity of fcripture and of the religion of Chrift, yet, after all, I had to encounter with many doubts and difficulties. After fome time, it happened, that meditating one evening on the useful fubferviency of true philofophy to the

chriftian

chriftian faith, and, among other themes, on death and eternity; I was greatly troubled in mind and affected with a moft lively fenfe of the infinite importance of thofe fubjects, so as to be unable to refrain from tears; fo vehement were my emotions. But my heart was like the ftony ground. The good feed could ftrike no root in it. Spiritual apprehenfion or fenfe of the divine glory and majefty, I had none; for which reafon these inward motions that I felt, foon ceased, and no more than those which I had formerly experienced, produced in me any ferious thoughts on the neceffity of converfion, and of faith in Chrift.

Engroffed entirely by earthly concerns and attentions, I lived a life of negligence and indifference, for the most part, concerning the state of my foul; and in thofe few moments when I experi enced either ferious thoughts or affections, had not a fingle idea that regeneration by the Spirit of God, and an immediate applica tion to Chrift for union with him, could be at all neceffary to my falvation. Sometimes I feriously meditated on God as the chief good, but could by no means comprehend how he should be fo. I did not indeed deny this truth, having been taught by a variety of arguments to prove it; but my heart contradicted them all. I feemed to difcover far greater delights and gratifications in earthly interefts and pleafures, than either in God or in the worship of God. Spiritual communion with God and the fruition of him in Jefus Chrift, were fubjects of which I was utterly ignorant. It was no wonder therefore that I could not comprehend how God fhould be the chief good, and the enjoyment of him the perfection of falvation. I frequently obferved that communion with God and the enjoyment of him, were expreffions with which I could hardly connect an idea, at least no fuch idea as would in any measure explain to me, why, and for what reason, the enjoy ment of God is to be preferred to all the pleafures of the world and to all enjoyment of the creature. To be acquainted with God, to love and to adore him, were duties which I confidered as reasonable, indeed neceffary, and worthy to be performed with much attention, but how the well-being of the foul could be fo much concerned in them, how they fhould prove a fource of fuch happiness and delight as the theologians, following the lead of fcripture, declare, was far beyond my comprehenfion. Sometimes however, when in a clear night I faw the heavens fpangled with stars, which I reprefented to myself as fo many funs and worlds, I felt an ardent defire to be there, and goaded by extreme curiofity, imagined it a most desirable and delightful privilege, to spend an eternity in the contemplation of thofe fyftems. And could there but be a hope (which at that time appeared and ftill appears to me, not impoffible) that after death the foul may be at liberty to vifit and to make her remarks on that immenfe variety of worlds-then, indeed, I accounted a place in heaven a prize for which it became to contend with unremitting earnestness. I had

I had by this time embraced the chriftian religion, and made profeffion of it. But my belief of fcripture was merely general; I had many doubts ftill left concerning a variety of doctrines of the last importance, fuch as the trinity, original fin, the incarnation and fatisfaction of Jefus Chrift, the operations of the Holy Spirit, &c. Sometimes the Calvinistic opinions pleased me most, and fometimes I inclined more to thofe of the Pelagians and even to Socinianifm. To attain to any fettled perfuafion was not in my power. In prefence of fuch of my friends as I accounted truly pious-I was mute, but to others declared myself without referve, and we endeavoured mutually to confirm each other in fuch pernicious errors as were moft fuited to our carnal

wisdom.

A few months before my converfion I wrote a small differta, tion in which I seem to have expreffed the fentiments of a mind seriously affected with a fenfe of the infinite importance of religion. It contains fome phrafes at which I have fince much wondered. I confulted no books, but wrote rapidly my thoughts as they arofe, fo that I ftill wonder by what means it happened that I ftumbled on feveral ideas found there. Among other matters I reprehended and earnestly exhorted those who deny the effectual operations of the Holy Spirit; gravely expreffing a wifh that they may foon learn the reality of them from their own undoubted experience. Such was my wifh for them, and, wretched creature that I was, I had neither the leaft knowledge or experience of that bleffing myfelf, nor any care to acquire it.

During all this time the Lord rescued me occafionally from the moft imminent dangers. One day, when I walked with Mr. L. on the ice, we had many narrow efcapes-the Lord fpared us. The next day Mr. L. going on the ice alone, fell into the water and was drowned. His deplorable death, when the news reached me, affected me with a variety of very fenfible emotions, yet not proportioned to the occafion, or in fact of any ufe to me. Το certain of my friends I obferved that Mr. L. had fuddenly become much wiser than we, and that I fhould be heartily glad to know what he knew, &c. Thus I remarked on the tragical occafion, and foon forgot it. Some time after, the ice breaking under me, I fell, myself, into the ftream of a rapid river. The danger of a terrible death then threatened me indeed, chiefly on account of the fwiftnefs of the current beneath, and there was no help at hand. Hopeless of efcape I yet ftruggled, and, by the good providence of God, emerged.

About two months before my converfion, I manifefted my extreme enmity against the pious minifters of the gofpel, against the people of God, and against the gospel itself, in an anonymous publication; not indeed with a defign to do the former any real mifchief, but merely to make them ridiculous and to hold them up to the laughter of the world. Yet, fuch was the long-fuffering compaffion of God toward me, that at this very feafon he

graciously

gracioufly fcreened me from the melancholy confequences of fome violent quarrels in which I had involved myself, interpofing by his kind providence to fave me from fuch formidable effects of them, as, had they taken their course, would probably have given a different caft and complexion to my whole condition. Though I treated him as if with fcorn, and, hardening my heart ftill more and more, provoked his vengeance by accumulated offences, he yet dealt graciously with me. He not only pared but preferved me; and in a fhort time with a mighty hand delivered me from the dominion of Satan, conducting me to the chief of all diftin&tions and of all pleafures, the honour and happiness of knowing and of loving him, who is the fountain of all and of all manner of bleffing, and exalted-oh to what a height! above all creatures.

THE

[To be continued.]

The COMMUNION of SAINTS.

HE moft wife and benevolent AUTHOR of NATURE, has formed all his creatures propitious to the focial life. This is obvious in the whole fcale of beings, from the minute infect, to the most enormous animal. The fportive fhoals in the deep, the cheerful tribes of the air, the peaceful flocks in the field, and the voracious beasts of the foreft, are all fenfible to the delightful charms of Society, and the happiness and pleasure it affords through every flage of life. The human fpecies, whether in a favage or civilized ftate, impreffed by inftinct, and impelled by neceffity, have formed themselves into political, commercial, or benevolent affociations; each member contributing its part, has added to the happiness of the whole. Society, however, is no where fo advantageoufly experienced as in the Church of GOD. Here it is lefs incommoded with moral evil; and here it is replete with virtue, and fecured by ties of eternal moment. Each of it's members are called to be one with Christ, as he is one with the Father; and being members of his myftical body, they have fellowship one with another: and, therefore, of all bleffings, next to the enjoyment of God, the communion of faints is to be preferred. Its origin is from heaven, and its obligations divine. That it is not of human inftitution, is apparent from the earliest pages of the gofpel hiftory. Here we fee the Redeemer diftinguifhing by baptifm, the fincere and the penitent, from the crowd. ing multitudes; we fee him delegating the apoftles to teach and baptize all nations; and we fee the apoftles every where forming focieties, and finally delegating their authority to Elders, that the discipline and order of Chrift might be preferved to pofterity in its original form.

As it is folely of the mutual communion of these churches, which I propofe to confider in the following pages; and, as the

communion