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from the high and great-her grand. Daniel Mainspring, who asked me father having been not only six feet what my intentions were ? three, without the shoes, but for forty « «To commence wig-maker on my odd years principal bell-ringer in the own bottom,' answered I. steeple of St Giles's, Cripplegate; and "But with respect to my daughher grandmother, for long and long, ter, sir?' not only head dry-nurse to one of the “. Why, to be sure, to make her noblest families in all England, but mistress, sir." bona fide twenty-two stone avoirdupois “ Mistress ! quoth he, did I hear --so that it was once proposed, by the you right, sir?' undertaker, to bury her at twice! As "I hope you are not hard of hear. to this nonpareil of lovely flesh and ing, Mr Mainspring. I wish, sir-beblood, her name was Lucy Maine tween us, sir-you understand, sir spring, the daughter of a horologer, to marry her, sir.' sir,-a watchmaker-vulgo so called ««Then you can't have her, sir.' and though fattish, she was very fair But I must, sir; for I can't do -fair ! by Jupiter, (craving your ho- without her, sir.' nour's pardon for swearing,) she fairly " " Then you may buy a rope.' made me give all other thoughts the ««Ah! you would not sign my cut, and twisted the passions of my death-warrant-wouldn't you not now, heart with the red-hot torturing irons Mr Mainspring?' of love. 'Pon honour, sir, I almost “Before going,' said he, rummagrow foolish, when I think of those ging his huge coat-pockets with both days; but love, sir, nothing can resist hands at once, there is your letter, love, a saying which Professor Heavy- which I read over patiently, instead stern once turned into Greek, as I was of my daughter, who has never seen ribbanding his pigtail for a tea and it; and I hope you will excuse the turn-out. Homniæ wincit Hamor,' liberty I take of calling you a great said he ; to which I observed, a very fool, and wishing you a good morning.' 'cute remark, your reverence.' But “Now, though a lad of mettle, you you shall hear, sir."
know, sir, it would not have been quite “I hope, Mr Tims, you were in the thing to have called out my inbetter luck with Miss Mainspring ?” tended father-in-law ; so, with ama.
“ A leetle, a leetle patience, your zing forbearance, bridling my passion, honour, and all will be out as quick I allowed him to march off triumphas directly-the twinkling of a beda antly, and stood, with the letter in post :-For three successive nights I my hand, looking down the alley after sat up in a brown study, with a four- him, strutting along, staff in hand, in-the-pound candle burning before like a recruiting sergeant, as if he had me till almost cock-crow, composing been a phænix. a love-letter, a most elaborate affair, “ A man of my penetration was not the pure overflowing of la belle passion, long in scenting out who was the for. all about Wenus, Cupids, bows and are midable rival to whom Daddy Mainrows, hearts, darts, and them things, spring alluded. Sacre! to think the which, having copied neatly over on mercenary old hunks could dream of a handsome sheet of foolscap, turned sacrificing my lovely Lucy to such a up with gilt, (for, though I say it hobgoblin of a fellow as a superannu. myself, I scribble a smart fist,) I made ated dragoon quartermaster, with a a blotch of red wax on the back as beak like Bardolph's in the play. But large as a dollar, that thereon I might I had some confidence in my own quathe more indelibly impress a seal, lifications; and as I gave a sly glance with a couple of pigeons cooing upon down at my nether person, Dashit, and 'toujours wotre' for the motto. the-wig-of-him ! thought I to myThis I popped into the post-office, and self, 'if he can sport a leg like that of awaited patiently-may I add confi- Toby Tims. I accordingly determi. dently?-for the result.
ned not to be discomfited, and took the “ No answer having come as I ex- earliest opportunity of presenting Miss pected per return, I began to smell Lucy, through a sure channel, with a ihat I was in the wrong box; so, on passionate billet-doux, a patent pair the following evening, I had a polite of gilt bracelets, and a box of Ruspi. visit from her respectable old father, ni's tooth-powder. By St Patrick and all the powers, it was shocking to sup- only ponder for a moinent what a forpose that such an angel as the cherry- midable rival I had!" cheeked Lucy should be stolen from “I hope you beat him off, however," me by such an apology for a gallant, said I. - The greater danger the more as Quartermaster Bottlenose of the honour you know, Mr Tims.” Tipperary Rangers. 'Twas murder, “Of that anon, sir.—Lucy, on her by Jupiter."
part, angelic creature, professed that “ I perfectly agree with you, Mr she could not dream of being undutie Tims. Did you challenge him to the ful towards kind old Pa; and that, duello?"
unless desperate measures were re“ A leetle patience, if you please, sorted to, quamprimum, in the twinksir, and you shall hear all. During ling of a bed-post she would be under the violence of my love-fits, I com- the disagreeable necessity to bundle mitted a variety of professional mis- and go with the disabled man of war takes. I sent at one time a pot of to the temple of Hymen. Sacrile bear’s grease away by the mail, in a gious thought! I could not permit it wig-box, to a member of parliament in to enter my bosom, and (pardon me Yorkshire ; and burned a whole batch for a moment, sir) when I looked of baked hair to ashes, while singing down, and caught a glance of my own Moore's 'When he who adores thee,' natty-looking, tight little leg, and in attitude, before a block, dressed up dapper Hessians, I recommended her for the occasion with a fashionable strongly to act on the principle of the wig upon it-to say nothing of my Drury-lane play-bill, which says, haring, in a fit of abstraction, given a All for Love, or the World well beautiful young lady, who was going lost.' that same evening to a Lord Mayor's “ Well, sir, hark ye, just to shew ball, the complete charity-workhouse how things come about; shortly after cut, leaving her scalp as bare as the this, on the anniversary of my hoback of my hand. But cheer up!- noured old master, Zechariah Pigtail's to my happy astonishment, sir, mat- birth, when we were allowed to strike ters worked like a charm. What a work at noon, I determined, as dera parley-vooing and billet-dooing pass- nier, resort as a clincher, sir, to act ed between us ! We would have re- the genteel, and invite Miss Lucy, in quired a porter for the sole purpose. her furs and falderals, to accompany Then we had stolen interviews of two me to the exhibition of Pictures. hours' duration each, for several suc- Heavens, sir, how I dressed on that cessive nights, at the old horologer's day! The Day and Martin of my back-door, during which, besides a boots reflected on the shady side of multiplicity of small-talk-thanks to the street. I took half an hour in his deafnessI tried my utmost to tying and retying my neckcloth en entrap her affections, by reciting mode. My handkerchief smelt of lasonnets, and spouting bits of plays in vender, and my hair of oil of thyme the manner of the tragedy performers. my waistcoat of bergamot, and my These were the happy times, sir! The inexpressibles of musk. I was a per. world was changed for me. Padding- fect civet for perfumery. My coat, ton canal seemed the river Pactolus, cut in the jemmy fashion, I buttoned to and Rag-Fair Elysium!
suffocation ; but ’pon honour, believe “ The old boy, however, ignorant me, sir, no stays, and my shirt neck of our orgies, was still bothering his had been starched per order, to the brains to bring about matrimony ben consistence of tin. "In short, to be tween his daughter and the veteran- brief, I found, or fancied myself kille who, though no younger than Methu- ing—a most irresistible fellow. salem, as stiff as the Monument, and * I did not dare, however, to call as withered as Belzoni's Piccadilly for Miss Lucy at old Pa's, but waited mummy, had yet the needful, sir for her at the corner of the street, had abundance of the wherewithal— patiently drumming on my boot, with crops of yellow shiners- lots of the a knowing little bit of bamboo; and real-sported a gig, and kept on board projecting my left arm to her, off we wages a young shaver of all work, marched in triumph. with a buff jacket, turned up with “ The Exhibition Rooms were sky-blue facings. Only think, sir- crowded with the ton ; and to be sure a great many fine things were there. the Hen and Chickens, with the corWould you had seen them, sir. There dials, and a few biscuits on a salverwere Admirals in blue, and Generals when lo! an old bald-pated, oily-faced, in red-portraits of my Lord this, and red-nosed Cameronian ranter, whom my Lady that-land scenes, and sea by your elegant negligee capering, you scenes, and hunting scenes, with ships, have fairly danced out of his dotard and woods, and old castles, all amazing- senses, comes pawing up to you like ly like life. In short, sir, Providence Polito's polar bear, drops on his knees, seems to have guided us to the spot, and before you can avert your nose where we saw a picture—the picture, from a love-speech, embalmed in the sir-the pattern copy of that there pic- fumes of tobacco and purl, the hoary ture, sir,--and Heavens ! such a piece villain has beslobbered your lily-white of work--but of that anon-it did the fingers, and is protesting unalterable business, sir. No sooner had I pere affection, at the rate of twelve miles used it through my quizzing glass, an hour, inclusive of stoppages. Now, which, I confess, that I had brought Lucy, love, did you ever,--say upon with me more for ornament than use your honour, did you ever witness -having eyes like a hawk,-than I such a spectacle of humanity? Tell pathetically exclaimed to Lucy-Be- me now?-Behold, that very little laphold, my love, the history of our fates!' dog in the corner is so mortally sick, Lucy said, “Tuts, Toby Tims,' and that, were he not upon canvass, there gave a giggle ; but I went on in solemn would be nothing for it but vomiting. gravity, before a circle of seemingly «« Very well. Now, love, take a electrified spectators.
peep down the avenue, and yon is me, «• 'Spose now, Miss Lucy,' said I, yon tight, handsome little figure, with holding her by the finger of her Lic the Spanish cap and cloak, attended by merick glove ; ' 'spose now, that I a trusty servant in the same costume, had invited you to take an outside seat to whom I am pointing where he is on the Hampstead Flying Phønix to bring the cherry-brandy; when, with me, to go out to a rural junketo lo! we perceive the hideous appariing, on May-day in the afternoon. tion and straightway rushing for. Very well—there we find ourselves ward, like two tigers on a jackass, we alive and kicking, forty couple footing seize the wigless dotard; and, calling it on the green, and choosing, accord- for a blanket, the whole respectable ing to our tastes, reels, jigs, minuets, company of forty couples and upwards, or bumpkins. Spose then, that I have come crowding to the spot, and lend handed you down to the bottom of a willing hand in rotation, four by five and-twenty couple at a country- four, in tossing Malachi, the last of dance, to the tune of Sir Roger de the lovers, till the breath of life is Coverley, Morgiana in Ireland, Pe scarcely left in his vile body. tronella, or the Triumph ; and, note “Now, Lucy,' says I, in conclu. withstanding our having sucked a sion, don't you see the confounded couple of oranges a-piece, we are both absurdity of ever wasting a thought quite in a broth of perspiration. Very on a broken-down, bandy-legged, beg, good—so says I to you, making a gen- garly dragoon ? Just look at him, teel bow, 'Do you please to walk with an old taffeta whigmaleerie tied aside, and cool yourself in them there to his back, like Paddy from Cork, green arbours, and I will be with you with his coat buttoned behind! Isn't as quick as directly, with a glass of he a pretty figure, now, to go a-courte lemonade or cherry brandy?' So says ing? You would never forsake the you to me, dropping a curtsey a la like of me-would you now? A spruce, mode, “With ineitable pleasure, sir;' natty little body of a creature-to be and away you trip into the shade like the trollop of a spindle-shanked vetea sunbeam.
ran, who, besides having one foot in “Now, Lucy, my love, take a good the grave, and a nose fit for three, look of that picture. That is you, might be your great-grandfather?' 'spose, seated on the turf, a leetle' be- “ It was a sight, sir, that would hind the pillar dedicated to Apollar; have melted the heart of a wheel-bare and you, blooming like a daffodilly in row. Before the whole assembled ex. April, are waiting with great thirst, hibition room, Lucy first looked blue, and not a little impatience for my and then blushed consent. Toby,' promised appearance, from the sign of said she, “ don't mention it, Toby, dear, I am thine for ever and a 80 we have the devil's luck and our day! Angelic sounds, which at once own; and as for false curls, braids, sent Bottlenose to Coventry. His bandeaux, Macassar oil, cold cream, chance was now weak indeed, quite bear’s grease, tooth-powder, and Dutch like Grantham gruel, three groats to a toys, shew me within the walls of the gallon of water. In an ecstacy of pas- City a more respectable, tip-topping sion, sir, I threw my silk handkerchief perfumery depot and wig-warehouse, on the floor, and, kneeling on it with than that wherein you now sit, and one knee, I raised her gloveless fingers of which I, Tobias Tims, ain, with due to my lips !
respect, the honoured master, and “ The whole company clapped their your humble servant ! hands, and laughed so heartily in sym- “I hope, sir, in explanation of that pathy with my good luck! Oh! sir, there pretty picture, I have now given had you but seen it--what a sight for you a full, true, and particular ac. sore eyes that was !"
count of this most important scene of “ Then you would indeed be the my life to the letter. Perhaps, sir, happy man at last, Mr Tims,” said I. you may think it rather a plain, un“ Did you elope on the instant?" varnished tale ; but true and simple
Just done, please your honour.- though it be, it may prove a leetle useNext morning, according to special ful to those, whose fingers itch to agreement, we eloped in a gig; and, mount “ proud Ambition's ladder." writing a penitent letter from the Perhaps few can crop hair, or cut their Valentine and Orson at Chelsea, Daddy cards with my dexterity; and I trust Mainspring found himself glad to I have shewn, sir, to your entire sacome to terms. Thrice were the banns tisfaction, that an inexperienced bare published; and such a marriage as we ber's boy succeeded in out-manæuvring had! ’Pon honour, sir, I would you an ancient officer of the line; and, as had been present. It was a thing to I have a beard to be shaved, be remembered till the end of one's
"'Twas thus I won sweet Lacy's hand, life. A deputation of the honourable the corporation of barbers duly ata
My bold and beauteous bride.'” tended, puffed out in full fig; and Just as Master Tobias Tims, with even the old Quartermaster, pocketing vehement gesticulation, was mouth, his disappointment, was, at his own ing and murdering the lines of poor special petition, a forgiven and favour, Coleridge, a bevy of beauties from ed guest. Seldom has such dancing Cheapside landed from a hackney been seen within the bounds of Lon- coach, to get a little head-trimming don; and, with two fiddles, a tam- for Alderman Marrowfat's great din bourin, and a clarionet, we made all ner-party; and, as the master of the the roofs ring, till an early hour next ceremonies was off at a tangent to morning-and that we did.
place chairs,—the rain still continu. “ You are a lucky fellow, Mr Tims," ing, I unfurled my umbrella, on his said I.
door-steps, wished the eloquent pruner “ And more than that, sir. When of mustachios a hearty good-by-and old Mainspring kicks, we are to have exit. the counting of his mouldy coppers
NOTES ON THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
It is much to be regretted, that a nevertheless must publish their “Tra. volume of travels from the pen of a vels.” The inexperienced novice, man properly qualified to write one, is whose knowledge of life has been alas rare, as it is amusing and valuable. most wholly drawn from books—the The mass of “ Travels,” “ Tours," superficial coxcomb, who cannot de&c., with which the press in late years scribe the most common occurrence aca bas teemed, may, in respect of manu- curately—the romantic female, whose facture and authenticity, though not eyes are confined to some half dozen of amusement, be fairly classed with drawing-rooms, and who sees every novels. If we except a little informa- thing through the medium of poetical tion drawn from official sources con- fiction--the man who merely gallops tained in them, which their adventu. a few hundred miles across a country, rous parents might procure with infi- and draws his knowledge of it from nitely more facility at their firesides what he observes on bis gallop-he at home, than amidst perilous exploits who only sojourns two or three months abroad, their general characteristics in a foreign land, and does not become harmonize sufficiently with those of enerally acquainted with fifty of its novels, to prove a close family affinity. inhabitants, or intimately with even The difference is little more than a one-all must publish, and all must nominal one between the “privileges” give a finished description of the counof the traveller which he understands tries they visit. On setting pen to so well and luxuriates in so largely, paper, they find themselves destitute and those of the novel-writer. The of genuine materials, and in conseone too often, like the other, invents quence disguised pilferings from the the adventure, or the more attractive works of others, and gorgeous sketches parts of it, fills up a rude outline of from the ideal world, supply the place fact from imagination, and erects on of naked fact and faithful delineaa narrow, feeble foundation of real tion. If such a traveller, happily for life, a magnificent fabric of fiction. himself, select a country which is not
The causes are not involved in much visited by competitors, his volume cirmystery. A very rare combination of culates without contradiction, as a marqualifications and circumstances is es- vellous specimen of truth and infora sential for enabling a man to give a mation ; but if the same country be just description of even his own coun- described by different travellers, de try. Divers difficult scientific acquire- scription refutes description, until the ments, powers of observation and de- most credulous readers are driven into duction of the first order, indefatigable incredulity. industry, a thorough practical kuow- The Irishmen who undertake to dea ledge of men and things, derived prin- scribe Ireland, furnish striking proofs cipally from actual experience these of the difficulties which environ the rank amidst his indispensable qualifi, writers of travels. They speak with cations. Even though possessed of even more than warrantable contempt them, his description will be a miser- of all sketches of their country wbich ably erroneous one, if he have not am- are made by those who have not seen ple means for both seeing and examic it. Place one of these sketches before ning—if every thing be not thrown them, and on the answer to the ques. open to his inspection, and he be not tion--Has the author ever been in Ireallowed abundant time for scrutinis land ? depends their judgment. If zing, sifting, and judging. It may be the answer be in the negative, they on gathered from this how few there are this alone pronounce it, directly, or who are capable of describing foreign by implication, to be of no value. countries, and that these few must be Now it so happens, that no Englishalmost the last of their kind to become man or Scotchman ever dreams of detravellers.
scribing Ireland in any other way, if While the great body of those who he have not been in it, than from the wander abroad labour under almost best Irish authorities; he merely reevery possible disqualification, they peats in substance what has been write VOL. XXIV.