all the powers, it was shocking to suppose that such an angel as the cherrycheeked Lucy should be stolen from me by such an apology for a gallant, as Quartermaster Bottlenose of the Tipperary Rangers. 'Twas murder, by Jupiter."

"I perfectly agree with you, Mr Tims. Did you challenge him to the duello ?"

"A leetle patience, if you please, sir, and you shall hear all. During the violence of my love-fits, I committed a variety of professional mistakes. I sent at one time a pot of bear's grease away by the mail, in a wig-box, to a member of parliament in Yorkshire; and burned a whole batch of baked hair to ashes, while singing Moore's When he who adores thee, in attitude, before a block, dressed up for the occasion with a fashionable wig upon it-to say nothing of my having, in a fit of abstraction, given a beautiful young lady, who was going that same evening to a Lord Mayor's ball, the complete charity-workhouse cut, leaving her scalp as bare as the back of my hand. But cheer up!to my happy astonishment, sir, matters worked like a charm. What a parley-vooing and billet-dooing passed between us! We would have required a porter for the sole purpose. Then we had stolen interviews of two hours' duration each, for several successive nights, at the old horologer's back-door, during which, besides a multiplicity of small-talk-thanks to his deafness-I tried my utmost to entrap her affections, by reciting sonnets, and spouting bits of plays in the manner of the tragedy performers. These were the happy times, sir! The world was changed for me. Paddington canal seemed the river Pactolus, and Rag-Fair Elysium!

"The old boy, however, ignorant of our orgies, was still bothering his brains to bring about matrimony between his daughter and the veteranwho, though no younger than Methusalem, as stiff as the Monument, and as withered as Belzoni's Piccadilly mummy, had yet the needful, sirhad abundance of the wherewithalcrops of yellow shiners-lots of the real-sported a gig, and kept on board wages a young shaver of all work, with a buff jacket, turned up with sky-blue facings. Only think, sir

only ponder for a moment what a formidable rival I had!"

"I hope you beat him off, however," said I. "The greater danger the more honour you know, Mr Tims."

"Of that anon, sir.-Lucy, on her part, angelic creature, professed that she could not dream of being unduti ful towards kind old Pa; and that, unless desperate measures were resorted to, quamprimum, in the twinkling of a bed-post she would be under the disagreeable necessity to bundle and go with the disabled man of war to the temple of Hymen. Sacrilegious thought! I could not permit it to enter my bosom, and (pardon me for a moment, sir) when I looked down, and caught a glance of my own natty-looking, tight little leg, and dapper Hessians, I recommended her strongly to act on the principle of the Drury-lane play-bill, which says, All for Love, or the World well lost.'

"Well, sir, hark ye, just to shew how things come about; shortly after this, on the anniversary of my honoured old master, Zechariah Pigtail's birth, when we were allowed to strike work at noon, I determined, as a der nier, resort as a clincher, sir, to act the genteel, and invite Miss Lucy, in her furs and falderals, to accompany me to the exhibition of Pictures. Heavens, sir, how I dressed on that day! The Day and Martin of my boots reflected on the shady side of the street. I took half an hour in tying and retying my neckcloth en mode. My handkerchief smelt of lavender, and my hair of oil of thymemy waistcoat of bergamot, and my inexpressibles of musk. I was a perfect civet for perfumery. My coat, cut in the jemmy fashion, I buttoned to suffocation; but 'pon honour, believe me, sir, no stays, and my shirt neck had been starched per order, to the consistence of tin. In short, to be brief, I found, or fancied myself killing-a most irresistible fellow.

"I did not dare, however, to call for Miss Lucy at old Pa's, but waited for her at the corner of the street, patiently drumming on my boot, with a knowing little bit of bamboo; and projecting my left arm to her, off we marched in triumph.

"The Exhibition Rooms were crowded with the ton; and to be sure

a great many fine things were there. Would you had seen them, sir. There were Admirals in blue, and Generals in red-portraits of my Lord this, and my Lady that-land scenes, and sea scenes, and hunting scenes, with ships, and woods, and old castles, all amazingly like life. In short, sir, Providence seems to have guided us to the spot, where we saw a picture-the picture, sir-the pattern copy of that there picture, sir,—and Heavens ! such a piece of work-but of that anon-it did the business, sir. No sooner had I perused it through my quizzing glass, which, I confess, that I had brought with me more for ornament than use -having eyes like a hawk,-than I pathetically exclaimed to Lucy-Behold, my love, the history of our fates!" Lucy said, Tuts, Toby Tims,' and gave a giggle; but I went on in solemn gravity, before a circle of seemingly electrified spectators.

""'Spose now, Miss Lucy,' said I, holding her by the finger of her Limerick glove; 'spose now, that I had invited you to take an outside seat on the Hampstead Flying Phoenix with me, to go out to a rural junketing, on May-day in the afternoon. Very well-there we find ourselves alive and kicking, forty couple footing it on the green, and choosing, according to our tastes, reels, jigs, minuets, or bumpkins. 'Spose then, that I have handed you down to the bottom of five-and-twenty couple at a countrydance, to the tune of Sir Roger de Coverley, Morgiana in Ireland, Petronella, or the Triumph; and, notwithstanding our having sucked a couple of oranges a-piece, we are both quite in a broth of perspiration. Very good-so says I to you, making a genteel bow, Do you please to walk aside, and cool yourself in them there green arbours, and I will be with you as quick as directly, with a glass of lemonade or cherry brandy?' So says you to me, dropping a curtsey a la mode, With ineffable pleasure, sir;' and away you trip into the shade like a sunbeam.

"Now, Lucy, my love, take a good look of that picture. That is you, 'spose, seated on the turf, a leetle be hind the pillar dedicated to Apollar; and you, blooming like a daffodilly in April, are waiting with great thirst, and not a little impatience for my promised appearance, from the sign of

the Hen and Chickens, with the cordials, and a few biscuits on a salver— when lo! an old bald-pated, oily-faced, red-nosed Cameronian ranter, whom by your elegant negligee capering, you have fairly danced out of his dotard senses, comes pawing up to you like Polito's polar bear, drops on his knees, and before you can avert your nose from a love-speech, embalmed in the fumes of tobacco and purl, the hoary villain has beslobbered your lily-white fingers, and is protesting unalterable affection, at the rate of twelve miles an hour, inclusive of stoppages. Now, Lucy, love, did you ever,-say upon your honour, did you ever witness such a spectacle of humanity? Tell me now?-Behold, that very little lapdog in the corner is so mortally sick, that, were he not upon canvass, there would be nothing for it but vomiting.

"Very well. Now, love, take a peep down the avenue, and yon is me, yon tight, handsome little figure, with the Spanish cap and cloak, attended by a trusty servant in the same costume, to whom I am pointing where he is to bring the cherry-brandy; when, lo! we perceive the hideous apparition!-and straightway rushing forward, like two tigers on a jackass, we seize the wigless dotard; and, calling for a blanket, the whole respectable company of forty couples and upwards, come crowding to the spot, and lend a willing hand in rotation, four by four, in tossing Malachi, the last of the lovers, till the breath of life is scarcely left in his vile body.

"Now, Lucy,' says I, in conclusion, don't you see the confounded absurdity of ever wasting a thought on a broken-down, bandy-legged, beg garly dragoon? Just look at him, with an old taffeta whigmaleerie tied to his back, like Paddy from Cork, with his coat buttoned behind! Isn't he a pretty figure, now, to go a-courting? You would never forsake the like of me-would you now? A spruce, natty little body of a creature-to be the trollop of a spindle-shanked veteran, who, besides having one foot in the grave, and a nose fit for three, might be your great-grandfather?'

"It was a sight, sir, that would have melted the heart of a wheel-barrow. Before the whole assembled exhibition room, Lucy first looked blue, and then blushed consent. Toby,' said she, don't mention it, Toby,

dear, I am thine for ever and a day!' Angelic sounds, which at once sent Bottlenose to Coventry. His chance was now weak indeed, quite like Grantham gruel, three groats to a gallon of water. In an ecstacy of passion, sir, I threw my silk handkerchief on the floor, and, kneeling on it with one knee, I raised her gloveless fingers to my lips!

"The whole company clapped their hands, and laughed so heartily in sympathy with my good luck! Oh! sir, had you but seen it-what a sight for sore eyes that was!"

"Then you would indeed be the happy man at last, Mr Tims," said I. "Did you elope on the instant ?”

"Just done, please your honour. Next morning, according to special agreement, we eloped in a gig; and, writing a penitent letter from the Valentine and Orson at Chelsea, Daddy Mainspring found himself glad to come to terms. Thrice were the banns published; and such a marriage as we had! 'Pon honour, sir, I would you had been present. It was a thing to be remembered till the end of one's life. A deputation of the honourable the corporation of barbers duly attended, puffed out in full fig; and even the old Quartermaster, pocketing his disappointment, was, at his own special petition, a forgiven and favour ed guest. Seldom has such dancing been seen within the bounds of London; and, with two fiddles, a tambourin, and a clarionet, we made all the roofs ring, till an early hour next morning-and that we did."

"You are a lucky fellow, Mr Tims,"

said I.

"And more than that, sir. When old Mainspring kicks, we are to have the counting of his mouldy coppers→

so we have the devil's luck and our own; and as for false curls, braids, bandeaux, Macassar oil, cold cream, bear's grease, tooth-powder, and Dutch toys, shew me within the walls of the City a more respectable, tip-topping perfumery depot and wig-warehouse, than that wherein you now sit, and of which I, Tobias Tims, ain, with due respect, the honoured master, and your humble servant!

"I hope, sir, in explanation of that there pretty picture, I have now given you a full, true, and particular account of this most important scene of my life to the letter. Perhaps, sir, you may think it rather a plain, unvarnished tale; but true and simple though it be, it may prove a leetle useful to those, whose fingers itch to mount" proud Ambition's ladder." Perhaps few can crop hair, or cut their cards with my dexterity; and I trust I have shewn, sir, to your entire satisfaction, that an inexperienced barber's boy succeeded in out-manoeuvring an ancient officer of the line; and, as I have a beard to be shaved,

'Twas thus I won sweet Lucy's hand, My bold and beauteous bride.""

Just as Master Tobias Tims, with vehement gesticulation, was mouth. ing and murdering the lines of poor Coleridge, a bevy of beauties from Cheapside landed from a hackney coach, to get a little head-trimming for Alderman Marrowfat's great dinner-party; and, as the master of the ceremonies was off at a tangent to place chairs, the rain still continuing, I unfurled my umbrella, on his door-steps, wished the eloquent pruner of mustachios a hearty good-by-and exit.

Ir is much to be regretted, that a volume of travels from the pen of a man properly qualified to write one, is as rare, as it is amusing and valuable. The mass of "Travels," "Tours," &c., with which the press in late years has teemed, may, in respect of manufacture and authenticity, though not of amusement, be fairly classed with novels. If we except a little information drawn from official sources contained in them, which their adventurous parents might procure with infinitely more facility at their firesides at home, than amidst perilous exploits abroad, their general characteristics harmonize sufficiently with those of novels, to prove a close family affinity. The difference is little more than a nominal one between the "privileges" of the traveller which he understands so well and luxuriates in so largely, and those of the novel-writer. The one too often, like the other, invents the adventure, or the more attractive parts of it, fills up a rude outline of fact from imagination, and erects on a narrow, feeble foundation of real life, a magnificent fabric of fiction.

The causes are not involved in much mystery. A very rare combination of qualifications and circumstances is essential for enabling a man to give a just description of even his own country. Divers difficult scientific acquire ments, powers of observation and deduction of the first order, indefatigable industry, a thorough practical knowledge of men and things, derived principally from actual experience these rank amidst his indispensable qualifications. Even though possessed of them, his description will be a miserably erroneous one, if he have not ample means for both seeing and examining-if every thing be not thrown open to his inspection, and he be not allowed abundant time for scrutinizing, sifting, and judging. It may be gathered from this how few there are who are capable of describing foreign countries, and that these few must be almost the last of their kind to become travellers.

While the great body of those who wander abroad labour under almost every possible disqualification, they VOL. XXIV.

nevertheless must publish their "Travels." The inexperienced novice, whose knowledge of life has been almost wholly drawn from books-the superficial coxcomb, who cannot describe the most common occurrence accurately-the romantic female, whose eyes are confined to some half dozen drawing-rooms, and who sees every thing through the medium of poetical fiction-the man who merely gallops a few hundred miles across a country, and draws his knowledge of it from what he observes on his gallop-he who only sojourns two or three months in a foreign land, and does not become generally acquainted with fifty of its inhabitants, or intimately with even one-all must publish, and all must give a finished description of the countries they visit. On setting pen to paper, they find themselves destitute of genuine materials, and in consequence disguised pilferings from the works of others, and gorgeous sketches from the ideal world, supply the place of naked fact and faithful delineation. If such a traveller, happily for himself, select a country which is not visited by competitors, his volume circulates without contradiction, as a marvellous specimen of truth and information; but if the same country be described by different travellers, description refutes description, until the most credulous readers are driven into incredulity.

The Irishmen who undertake to describe Ireland, furnish striking proofs of the difficulties which environ the writers of travels. They speak with even more than warrantable contempt of all sketches of their country which are made by those who have not seen it. Place one of these sketches before them, and on the answer to the question-Has the author ever been in Ireland? depends their judgment. If the answer be in the negative, they on this alone pronounce it, directly, or by implication, to be of no value. Now it so happens, that no Englishman or Scotchman ever dreams of describing Ireland in any other way, if he have not been in it, than from the best Irish authorities; he merely repeats in substance what has been writ4 K