though divers of mine have been intercepted, or any other misdemea. nor, though some things are fathered upon me, which never dropped from my quill. Alas! how unworthy and uncapable am I to censure the proceedings of that great senate, that high synedrion, wherein the wisdom of the whole state is epitomised? It were a presumption in me, of the highest nature that could be: it is enough for me to pray for the prosperous success of their consultations: and, as I hold it my duty, so I have good reason so to do, in regard I am to have my share in the happiness; and, could the utmost of my poor endeavours, by any ministerial humble office (and sometimes the meanest boatswain may help to preserve the ship from sinking) be so happy, as to contribute any thing to advance that great work, (which I am in despair to do, while I am thus under hatches in this Fleet) I would esteem it the greatest honour that possibly could befall me; as I hold it now to be my greatest disaster, to have fallen so heavily under an affliction of this nature, and to be made a sacrifice to publick fame, than which there is no other proof, nor that yet urged against me, or any thing else produced after so long, so long captivity, which hath brought me to such a low ebb, and put me so far behind in the course of my poor fortunes, and, indeed, more than half undone me. For, although my whole life, since I was left to myself to swim, as they say, without bladders, has been nothing else but a continued succession of crosses, and that there are but few red letters found, God wot, in the almanack of my age (for which I account not myself a whit the less happy) yet, this cross has carried with it a greater weight, it hath been of a larger extent, longer continuance, and lighted heavier upon me, than any other; and, as I have present patience to bear it, so I hope for subsequent grace to make use of it accordingly, that my old motto may be still confirmed, Παθήματα μαθήματα.

He produceth my attestation for some passages in Spain, at his majesty's being there; and he quotes me right, which obligeth me to him: and I hope all his quotations, wherein he is so extraordinary copious and elaborate in all his works, are so; yet I must tell him, that those interchangeable letters which passed between his majesty and the pope, which were originally couched in Latin, the language wherein all nations treat with Rome, and the empire with all the princes thereof; those letters, I say, are adulterated in many places, which I impute not to him, but to the French chronicler, from whom he took them in trust. The truth of that business is this: the world knows there was a tedious treaty of an alliance betwixt the Infanta Donna Maria (who now is empress) and his majesty, which, in regard of the slow affected pace of the Spaniard, lasted about ten years, as that in Henry the Seventh's time, betwixt Prince Arthur and, afterwards, Queen Catharine, was spun out above seven. To quicken, or rather to consummate the work, his majesty made that adventurous journey, through the whole continent of France, into Spain; which voyage, though there was a great deal of gallantry in it (whereof all posterity will ring, until it turn

+ These letters, translated from the French, are printed in Vol. V. p. 235 of this Miscellany.

at last to a romance) yet it proved the bane of the business, which it is not the errand of so poor a pamphlet as this to unfold. His majesty being there arrived, the ignorant common people cried out, the Prince of Wales came thither to make himself a Christian. The pope writ to the inquisitor general, and others, to use all industry they could to reduce him to the Roman religion; and one of Olivares's first compli ments to him, was, that he doubted not but that his highness came thither to change his religion: whereunto he made a short answer, that he came not thither for a religion, but for a wife. There were extraor dinary processions made, and other artifices used, by protraction of things, to make him stay there of purpose till the spring following, to work upon him the better: and the infanta herself desired him (which was esteemed the greatest favour he received from her all the while) to visit the nun of Carion; hoping that the said nun, who was so much cried up for miracles, might have wrought one upon him; but her art failed her nor was his highness so weak a subject to work upon, according to his late majesty's speech to Doctor Maw and Wren: who when they came to kiss his hands, before they went to Spain to attend the prince their master, he wished them to have a care of Buckingham; as touching his son Charles, he apprehended no fear at all of him; for he knew him to be so well-grounded a Protestant, that nothing could shake him in his religion. The Arabian proverb is, that the sun never soils in his passage, though his beams reverberate never so strongly, and dwell never so long upon the miry lake of Mæotis, the black-turfed moors of Holland, the aguish woose of Kent and Essex, or any other place, be it never so dirty. Though Spain be a hot country, yet one may pass and repass through the very center of it, and never be sunburnt, if he carry with him bongrace, and a such a one his majesty had.

Well, after his majesty's arrival at Madrid, the treaty of marriage went on still (though he told them at his first coming, that he came not thither like an ambassador, to treat of marriage; but as a prince, to fetch home a wife); and, in regard they were of different religions, it could not be done without a dispensation from the pope; and the pope would grant none, unless some capitulations were stipulated in favour of the Romish Catholicks in England (the same in substance were agreed on with France). Well, when the dispensation came, which was negoti. ated solely by the King of Spain's ministers; because his majesty would have as little to do as might be with Rome, Pope Gregory the Fifteenth, who died a little after, sent his majesty a letter, which was delivered by the nuncio, whereof an answer was sent a while after: which letters were imprinted and exposed to the view of the world, because his majesty would not have people whisper, that the business was carried in a clandestine manner. And truly, besides this, I do not know of any letter, or message, or compliment, that ever passed betwixt his majesty and the pope, before or after. Some addresses, peradventure, might be made to the cardinals, to whom the drawing of those matrimonial dispatches was referred, to quicken the work; but this was only by way of civil negotiation.

Now, touching that responsory letter from his majesty, it was no other than a compliment in the severest interpretation; and such formalities pass betwixt the crown of England and the great Turk, and divers heathen princes. The pope writ first, and no man can deny, but by all moral rules, and in common human civility, his majesty was bound to answer it, especially considering how punctual they are in those countries to correspond in this kind, how exact they are in repaying visits, and the performance of such ceremonies: and, had this compliance been omitted, it might have made very ill impressions, as the posture of things stood then; for it had prejudiced the great work in hand, I mean the match, which was then in the heat and height of agitation his majesty's person was there engaged, and so it was no time to give the least offence. They, that are never so little versed in business abroad, do know that there must be addresses, compliances, and formalities of this nature (according to the Italian proverb, that one must sometimes light a candle to the devil) used in the carriage of matters of state, as this great business was, whereon the eyes of all Christendom were so greedily fixed; a business which was like to bring with it such an universal good, as the restitution of the Palatinate, the quenching of those hideous fires in Germany, and the establishing of a peace through all the Christian world.

:

I hope none will take offence, that in this particular, which comes within the compass of my knowledge, being upon the stage when this scene was acted, I do this right to the king my master, in displaying the truth, and putting her forth in her own colours: a rare thing in these days.

Touching the Vocal Forest, an allegorical discourse, that goes abroad under my name, a good while before the beginning of this parliament, which this gentleman cites (and that very faithfully) I understand there be some that mutter at certain passages therein, by putting ill glosses upon the text, and taking with the left hand, what I offer with the right (nor is it a wonder for trees which lie open, and stand exposed to all weathers, to be nipped :) but I desire this favour, which, in common justice, I am sure in the court of Chancery cannot be denied me, it being the privilege of every author, and a received maxim through the world, cujus est condere, ejus est interpretari: I say, I crave this favour, to have leave to expound my own text, and I doubt not then but to rectify any one in his opinion of me, and that, in lieu of the plums which I give him from those trees, he will not throw the stones

at me.

Moreover, I desire those that are over-critical censurers of that piece, to know, that as in divinity it is a rule, scriptura parabolica non est argumentativa; so it is in all other kinds of knowledge. Parables (whereof that discourse is composed) though pressed never so hard, prove nothing. There is another rule also, that parables must be gently used, like a nurse's breast; which, if you press too hard, you shall have blood instead of milk.

But as the author of the Vocal Forest thinks he hath done neither his country, nor the commonwealth of learning, any prejudice thereby (that maiden fancy having received so good entertainment and respect

abroad, as to be translated into divers languages, and to gain the pub. lick approbation of some famous universities) so he makes this humble protest unto all the world, that though the design of that discourse was partly satyrical (which peradventure induced the author to shrowd it of purpose under shadows of trees; and where should satyrs be, but amongst trees?) Yet it never entered into his imagination to let fall from him the least thing that might give any offence to the high and honourable court of parliament, whereof he had the honour to be once a member, and hopes he may be thought worthy again: and, were he guilty of such an offence, or piacle, rather, he thinks he should never forgive himself, though he were appointed his own judge. If there occur any passage therein, that may admit a hard construction, let the reader observe, that the author doth not positively assert, or pass a judgment on any thing in that discourse which consists principally of concise, cursory narrations, of the choicest occurrences and criticisms of state, according as the pulse of time did beat then: and matters of state, as all other sublunary things, are subject to alterations, contingencies, and change, which makes the opinions and minds of men vary accordingly; not one amongst twenty is the same man to day as he was four years ago, in point of judgment, which turns and alters according to the circumstance and success of things: and it is a true saying, whereof we find common experience, posterior dies est prioris magister: The day following is the former day's school master. There is another aphorism, the wisdom of one day is foolishness to another;' and it will be so as long as there is a man left in the world.

I will conclude with this modest request to that gentleman of the long robe that, having unpassionately perused what I have written in this small discourse, in penning whereof my conscience guided my quill all along as well as my hand, he would please to be so charitable and just, as to reverse that harsh sentence upon me, to be no friend to parlia. ments, and a malignant.

THE QUACKS ACADEMY:

OR,

THE DUNCES DIRECTORY.

A new art to cross the old Proverb, and make a Man a Fool and Phy sician both at a Time.

Discovering the several Methods whereby so many ignorant Pretenders obtain

Repute and Practice.

Cur ludere nobis

Non liceat, licuit cum jugulare tibi.

With Allowance.

MART.

Quarto, containing 6 Pages, printed at London, for A. B. in MDCLXXVIII.

BEFORE

we enter upon the subject matter of this sheet, we must declare, that we do except out of our design all those learned and

worthy persons, whose experience and labour, in the arts of medicine, may any way contribute to the common good of mankind, intending only to reflect on those illiterate pretenders to physick, whose practices are as well shameful as dangerous to the place they live in; of which latter sort we are about to speak.

Having observed the prodigious success of modern quackery, and that the practice of it is lately become a last shift, more common and thriving too, than selling of ale, or setting up a coffee-house: and finding still abundance of indigent idle people, that could never make their untoward handicrafts fadge to purpose, who would be glad to exchange them for so genteel and advantageous an employ, had they but the secreet knack, whereby other bankrupts, with small pains and less parts, have in an instant raised themselves from beggary to competent estates: out of our great respect to such hearty well-willers, to secure so gainfull a science, we have thought fit to unfold the whole mystery, as it is this day practised with so much profit and applause. Draw near then with attention, all you decayed ragamuffins of the town; you by whose dulness no mechanick mystery but scorns to be mastered, whom neither sea nor gibbet will accept; we will put you in a way of feeding yourselves and the worms too. Honest, no doubt, because common and safe, for why, your miscarriages shall never be heard for the din of knells you shall occasion.—But to deliver our documents in order:

First, to pass for current, you have no more to do but to call yourselves doctors; Pliny hath affirmed it before; and, though I neither expect nor desire you should understand Latin, yet, because a scrap may do you a kindness, oue time or other, to swagger with, I will give it you in his own language:

Hac sola artium, evenit quod cuilibet se medicum dicenti facile credatur, cum sit periculum in nullo mendacio majus.

In this art alone it comes to pass, that any one, but professing him'self a physician, is presently believed, though in no case the belief of a lye be more dangerous.'

I have Englished this for the benefit of those that do not understand Latin; and I have no quarrel at all against those that do.

However, in the second place, to support this title, there are several things convenient; of which some are external accoutrements, others internal qualifications.

Your outward requisites are a decent black suit, and, if your credit will stretch so far in Long-lane, a plush jacket; not a pin the worse, though threadbare as a taylor's cloke; it shews the more reverend an tiquity.

Secondly, like Mercury, you must always carry a Caduceus or conjuring japan in your hand, capped with a civet-box: with which you must walk with Spanish gravity, as in deep contemplation upon an arbitrament between life and death.

Thirdly, a convenient lodging, not forgetting a hatch at the door; a chamber hung either with Dutch pictures or looking-glasses, belittered with urinals or empty gally-pots, and phials filled with tap-droppings, or fair water, coloured with Saunders. Any sexton will furnish your