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ther, without being able to find hus- || than some malicious trick is played bands for one of them. Unfortu- off against me. Has a young lady ocnately she took it into her head to casion to hand me a cup of tea, she fix upon me for the eldest; I had no is sure to discharge the greatest part particular inclination to be married, | of it, scalding hot, upon my inexpresbut I never could find in my heart sibles; and while I am writhing unto give pain to any body, so I let the der the torture that I know she has thing go on till the lady thought it. designedly caused me, I am forced to high time to inquire into my property. I put on a face of unconcern, and to It happened, heaven knows how, that reply with perfect good-humour to I had credit with my friends for pos- her hypocritical excuses. The slily sessing as many thousands as I ac pushing away my chair, at the motually had hundreds, a year;. and ment I was going to seat myself, has when Mrs. Trapman learnt the truth, more than once nearly caused me a there was an end at once to the broken back; and it is not a month daughter's smiles and the mother's since I was almost frightened out of attentions: “ Not at home" was the the world by being seriously told by constant reply to my inquiries at her a youth who is studying for a physihouse ever afterwards.
cian, that a dish of mushrooms, of If her resentment had stopped which I had just partaken, was certhere, I should not have broken my tainly of a poisonous quality. heart about it; but, unfortunately, Christmas, that season of mirth she took it into her head to make a for others, is for me a time of torparty against me. She began byment. I may truly say, that I suffer giving her daughter the credit of re then in mind, body, and estate: in fusing me, and wondering at my pre- mind, because I am incessantly hasumption in daring to address her: rassed with fear of the tricks I exit was, she declared, an unaccounta- | pect to meet with; in body, from the ble piece of assurance in a creature effect of some of these tricks: last like me, who had neither wit, money, Christmas, for instance, in playing at nor bon ton; who was, in short, a mere hot-cockles, I had my hand transfixed animal of an old bachelor. This un- || with a corking-pin, and I suffered lucky phrase settled the business. I so much from the puncture as to be was discovered at once not only to near losing the use of a finger; and be an old bachelor, but to be one of in pocket, from the expense of the the very worst of the whole species. carriage of various hampers regularly For some time indeed prudent mo- delivered to me from different parts thers, who had no design upon me of the country, which, instead of poul. for their daughters, took my part; try or game, that they are supposed but their kindness availed me little, to contain, are really filled with sand for the younger members of their fa- and stones. And then Valentine'smily had discovered, that it was ex. day, Mr. Loiterer! not an hour cellent fun to roast me; and they ap- passes without a pile of two-penny plied themselves to it accordingly posters containing caricatures and with a perseverance which has since lampoons. What aggravates this last known no intermission.
| mortification is, that a great number : No sooner do I present myself of these affectionate remembrances caine, to my certain knowledge, from you would never lave patience to old maids, a set of animals who, ac- read them. Do then; dear charitable cording to all the laws of humanity sir, exert yourself to get them reand politeness, have no higher claims dressed, and you shall be most grateto good treatment than myself. I fully remembered in the orisons of thought indeed to get rid of this your devoted servant, plague, and accordingly last Valen
SAMUEL SAPSKULL. tine's-day I gave orders that no letter should be taken in: the conse- Mr. Sapskull has made out so quence was, that I did not receive good a case, that I really do not one from my uncle Blackletter, de- think I can do him greater service siring me to attend the next day at than by publishing it just as he states
a sale of books, where he could not it. I am afraid, however, he has not • be present, and to buy for him a very much to hope from the interference scarce copy of De Foe's pamphlets. of Mr. Martin; for if that gentleHe was so enraged at the disap | man were to attend to the complaints pointment, that he directly struck ll of all the two-legged animals that me out of his will; and as he died in might take it into their heads to apa month afterwards, I lost a consi- | ply to him, he would soon have no derable addition to my property. | time to bestow on his four-footed These, Mr. Loiterer, are a part of clients. my gricvances, and but a part; for
N. NEVERMOVE. were I to detail the whole of them, ||
THE ASSIZE-BALL. It was remarked by one of the
"longs ardently to know reviewers of the Life of Goethe,
|| Whatever man may learn below;
|| All that we contemplate on earth, that he was more fortunate than the
And all that in the heavens hath birth; majority of literary men; for, strange To roam through learning's wond'rous maze, to say, he could dance! Now this | And comprehend all nature's ways" faculty-I had almost said this mys- a mind thus constituted and directtery—the possession of which, in alled will not like to have its sublime its various genera, is a matter of creations deranged and intruded upcourse with all young men of the on by an amusement, which is, in present day, was ever a mystery to such instances, so frivolous and irkscholars, and even still continues so || some. The man of deep reflection to those whose minds are deeply im- is usually most lamentably deficient bued with study, or copiously sur- in those exterior graces, which are charged with
far more fascinating and agreeable “ Passion, imagination, fancy, love, to the many than the richest mental Pleasures and pains, hopes, fears, that will endowments; while, acutely conscious not die."
of his own awkwardness and mauAnd this is easily accounted for. The vaise honte, and nervously alive to mind that directs its energies to the the ridicule which he knows he must comprehension of things hidden from draw upon himself, he mingles with the ken of ordinary conception, that the polished and the gay with all the
dread and trepidation of a sensitive || in which I occasionally mingled was but insufficient spirit. With a soul confined to two or three very quiet replete with all the finer feelings of families and a few young men, as human nature, and a mind endowed studiously inclined as myself, I had with the learning of ages, he remains hitherto experienced no inconvenifixed a cypher, or moves a laughing- ence from my total ignorance of the stock, merely from the want of a more fashionable - customs of the small portion of that comfortable as- world. The hour had now arrived, surance, which is not, most certainly, however, when I was destined to feel to be acquired in the secluded re- most bitterly the want of those ortirement of a scholar.
dinary accomplishments which every It is now five or six years since country bumpkin can display to adthe pressing invitations of some near vantage. relations tempted me to spend a few Having arrived at my journey's • weeks with them in the north of end at the appointed time, I was reEngland. I should mention, that my ceived by my relations in a manner previous life had been altogether the every way due to the unmarried inlife of a recluse. Deprived of both heritor of two thousand a year; but my parents at an age when I could there really was a hospitality in their scarcely appreciate their value, I was manner which was too fervent to be confided to the superintendence of merely assumed, and which soon guardians, whose chief care, as is established me among them. My usual in such cases, was the due pre- | kinsman's family consisted of his servation of the fortune which was lady and two daughters, who were bequeathed to me; troubling them- | rather fine girls, very showy in their selves but little about the cultivation dress and very shallow as to intelof my mind, which was left to vege- lectual requisites. They were dashtate and expand as it best might, un- ing belles, however, with tolerable der the tuition of an old but excel- fortunes, and, in consequence, were lent clergyman. My gain by this both loving and beloved. Now I was a most vehement passion for had never been properly in love; nor, study; and inheriting a portion of to the best of my knowledge, had the literary predilections of my fa- any fair or unfair damsel ever been ther, who was an author of no mean in love with me. Not that I wanted reputation in his day, I soon became either the capacity or the inclination a decided bookworm. I became an for the business: heaven knows there author too; and, strange to say, my | were few beings more susceptible first effort was a poem, which was than myself! But I had hitherto had not only most favourably received, no opportunity; my way of life was but actually doted upon by - the so retired, and perhaps I may say so ladies! My paternal inheritance was unsocial, that although I did actually more than competent to all my wishes; | possess two thousand a year, my acand as the possessor of two thousand quaintance was not sought after, for pounds per annum, my accomplish- the best of all possible reasons, bements ought to have been far more | cause my existence was not known. multifarious. I was indeed completely | Female loveliness then was quite an unpolished; and as the scanty society ideality with me; and although the
finest passages in the poem aforesaid | ronet, of large fortune and great were all on the subject of love, I, | influence in the county. Now dancthe author, had never yet felt its in- ling had not only been my aversion Auence. I should not perhaps say, but my terror, and consequently my that my notions of female beauty feet had never kept time even in a were quite ideal; for if in any of my simple and socialcountry-dance. Let rambles I chanced to meet a beauti- those then, if there be any such, ful girl, or gazed upon some heavenly | imagine my consternation when I face when I went to the theatre, the heard these appalling tidings! I wishremembrance of that lovely counte-ed myself in the deserts of Aranance would, like the remembrance bia, or among the pyramids of Egypt, of some fine melody, dwell in my or, in fact, any where rather than mind for many a day afterwards. where I was: but I had no alternaThus situated, then, it was not sur- tive; I could not retract, and my prising that, at first meeting with my vanity forbade me to confess my inatwo cousins, I should think them | bility. very divine creatures. 'Tis true I My confusion was not much alledid so; and this opinion remained | viated by sundry sage interrogations unaltered till about two hours after which my lovely cousins thought fit my arrival, when I discovered that to propound to ine, as to what set one of them detested Milton, because of quadrilles was most danced at he was so dull and stupid; and the Almack's; whether Paine's, Harte's, other thought that the “ Phantom the Lancers', or the Caledonians'? Bridegroom,” or “ The Horse with | Whether waltzing was now much out a Head," was the most moving practised in the first circles? And if novel she had ever read; it was so it was not likely that the Spanish bovery full of horrible adventures and lero would soon become general? interesting love-tales! I shrugged Now all this was a vast deal more unmy shoulders, and congratulated my-intelligible to me than the language self upon my fortunate discovery. of the Esquimaux has since been to · I soon found out that some unu- Captain Parry, and how I got through sual gaiety was anticipated in the with my answers, I could never righttown; for all the young ladies, and ly discover. I ascertained, however, not a few also of the old ones, were that my cousins expected to find in busily engaged in preparing dresses, me a quadriller of the first foot: which might fearlessly vie with the whereas, I candidly declare, that at splendid paraphernalia of our me- that time I knew not the difference tropolitan damsels, when some unu- between jetté and chassez, ballotex sually splendid Easter-ball excites and glissade; much less did I comcivic emulation. I ventured to in prehend the cabalistical directions of quire what all these preparations a whole figure: mysteries, however, meant, and, to my consternation, with which I am now perfectly aclearned, that the assizes would com- quainted, thanks to the assiduous atmence next week, and that the as-tention of Monsieur Dos-à-dos. size-balls were expected to be the The approaching balls weighed gayest that had occurred for many heavily upon my mind, and by the years, because the sheriff was a ba- | morning of the awful day. I was
really unhappy. To dissipate my ll when she said to the lady who sat nervous feelings I rode out--for I |by her, “ Really I am so terrified, could ride-to call upon a friend, who that I know not what to say or do: lived about six miles distant on the || but I see Sir Thomas is endeavourLondon road. It was a lovely morn- ing to repair the headlong carelessing, and, absorbed in reflections ness of his coachman." And while arising from the beautiful scenery she spoke, Sir Thomas was giving through which I passed, I thought directions to his valet to inquire the no more of the approaching ball. I residence of the old man, who, hy had not ridden far before I espied a the douceur of a sovereign, was am. cavalcade upon the road before me. ply compensated for his terror. We It consisted of three or four vehicles paid our mutual compliments, and of different kinds; the first being a the cavalcade moving on soon va. handsome barouche, with four fine nished from my sight. grays, and containing the sheriff and This incident, trifling as it was, his family; his friends following in || afforded my busy mind ample scope the other carriages. We soon met; for cogitation; and, for the first time and it so happened that there was a in my life, I began to wish that I declivity in the road, down which could dance, that I might have the the horses in the barouche and four pleasure of doing so with the beaucame in a brisk trot. It happened tiful girl from whom I had just partalso that a poor unfortunate old man, ed; while the perfect consciousness who had been cutting the hedge, of my incapacity filled me with vex: took it into his head to cross the || ation: I determined, however, to road just as the carriage was coming. make one decisive effort, and sucI saw his danger, and dismounting ceed or fail as it might happen. with great haste, was just in time to The eventful evening at last arrivsnatch him from under the barouche ed; and after drinking more wine wheels, and consequently to save his than usual, and swallowing a few life. The first thing that arrested drops of laudanum, a practice I al. my attention was a very loud and ways resorted to in cases of extreme shrill scream, and looking up in the importarice, and only in such cases; direction whence it issued, I per- I entered the ball-room with my fair ceived a lady standing up in the se- cousins hanging on my arms. I had cond carriage, which was a landau, wound up my resolution to the highand bending a look of anxious alarmest pitch; and whether it was the towards the old man whom I was wine, or whether it was the opium, supporting. The lady was young or both, or neither, I knew not; but and beautiful, and the unexpected I felt quite competent to the achieveand interesting manner in which she ment of any formidable exploit, and appeared to me was more likely to even burned to mingle in the mazes impress her charms upon my me- of a quadrille! But the company had mory than if I had met her under not yet half arrived ; and I waited more formal circumstances. “I hope, with much anxiety for the appearsir, the poor old man is not hurt?" | ance of that celestial creature, she said to me in a tone suited to her whose image altogether occupied my loveliness. I replied in the negative; || thoughts. An unusual stir and bus