AYE AND NO. IN fable all things hold discourse, And let those wait who serv'd in Flanders! Lansdown, MSS. No. 852. THE MOUSE TRAP; OR, WHAT DO YOU CALL IT? MR. EDITOR, THE National Debt weighs heavy on the minds of the people; my grand work will relieve them from it. I have compressed into Five Quarto Volumes, a true system of Parliamentary Reform; it will be delivered to subscribers at one guinea the volume; the profits shall be applied by both houses of parliament to the most speedy reduction of our debt; and a committee of the lower house will attend to its correct publication, while the upper house will direct its translation into all languages. The manuscript shall be given to the Right Hon. the Speaker, as soon as the chart, which is to point out the facilities of commercial communication between the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans, by a north-west passage, is engraved; this, and the revision of a few notes on the Cato-street conspiracy; on the lucubrations of Mr. Cobbett, to mollify the distresses of the country; on the harangues of Mr Henry Hunt, to appease the passions of the industrious poor; and on the speeches of a few Members of each House of Parliament, are now the only delays this Work has to encounter. A Work, by which England will be relieved for ever of all Taxes; Europe, in general, shewn the defects in its respective systems of Government, and afforded rules for the amelioration of them:-a Work, by which Asia, Africa, and both North and South America, will be supplied with principles for the formation of New Constitutions, as incapable of error, as is the infallibility of the Pope himself; and as durable as the basis of the Romish Church. That, indeed, is said to be invulnerable and immutable; but, for all that, certain councils have abridged it in some things, and added to it in others: however, in essentials, it is still the same this day as it was in the thirteenth century. For this monstrous fabric may fall "mole sua ruet," by its own stupendous superstructure, (the word superstition nearly dropped from my pen); but my Work will resist the fangs of time! It will terminate all political disputations at home! It will fix the balance of power abroad! But scorn to puff my own work; the universe may decide on its merits!!-While the midnight lamp aided my attention to strengthen the Constitution of my country, it contributed to weaken my own. I sought the advice of my doctor; after minute enquiry, he assured me, that my malady was a Cacoethes Scribendi, and very curable. To ask advice and not to follow it, would be absurd; I have adhered strictly to the regimen he directed, and am now convalescent. Instead of eighteen hours a day spent in reading and writing, (which my Mega Biblion, or, Parliamentary Reform required), he restricted me for three months, to twelve hours application each day, and confined my study for the first month, to the Pilgrim's Progress; for the second month, to the Tales of my Landlord; and the third, to the Plays of Shakspeare; saying, the first would instruct, the second entertain, and the last enrich my mind. His prediction is verified; two sentences of Avon's delightful bard have enchanted me; one of his invocations is "Oh for a Muse of fire," that struck my imagination; and the Ghost of Hamlet pointed out to me a road which I have determined to follow, for at least a few years;-the Ghost's words are, But that I am forbid 66 I, not being a ghost, but a lineal descendant of Garagantua the renowned, will undertake a journey to Purgatory, and on my return, will that tale unfold. His Holiness the Pope cannot refuse me admittance thither; I will not ask it as a favour; no! no! nothing for nothing at Rome. The Supreme Pontiff will gladly use his keys to open the door, when he sees the price to be paid him; its value to him will be inestimable; it will enable his Holiness in a moment to ease himself of half his anxieties; by a single blow he can decollate all the heretics in Great Britain, and save the trouble of a rebellion in Eee Ireland. That most precious relic, the very identical sword, whose qualities are too well known to require description;-that very identical exterminating sword, which the comical Friar John wore, when he did such services to my great ancestor, Garagantua, while on his travels, I will give to Pius the Seventh; and, futhermore, bind myself in a bond to him, and to his successors, (should he be dead before my return) that within one year after I shall have knocked at the portal, and that he or they shall have released ne from his terra del fuego, I will publish, for the sole benefit of the Holy See, a book, the sale of which must necessarily fill its coffers. It shall contain an ample description of all that I find worthy of relation in those fiery dominions, over which his Holiness presides. The dedication to him, and the whole body of Jesuits, Monks, Inquisitors, Priests, and Nuns, of my journal while in their territories; and a few poems from an imagination, warmed by such a glowing atmosphere, will fill a small pocket volume, particularly adapted for the use of the fair sex, whose curiosity will excite them to peruse it with attention; but then they must be cautioned to confine themselves to it only while at their toilettes; for reading after dinner is said to redden the nose. For the present, according to my physician's directions, I shall diminish my labours to twelve hours daily, and only employ them on the lightest subjects The French word Bagatelle, first occurred to me; but then I thought the idea of a trifle might not obtain my writings a perusal; looking round my study, a mouse trap caught my eye; that fixed my mind to write something worthy my descent; but as every one may not know the exact value of a dissertation on so useful a subject, you, Sir, may give any other more attractive title to these effusions of the descendant of the great Garagantua. GARAGANTULINO. THE MOUSE TRAP; OR, WHAT DO YOU CALL IT? Precept must be upon precept, line upon line, here a little and there a little. The Bible. IGNORANT nurses differ from tender mothers as much as darkness does from light. The profit that is to accrue to them is the sole object of nurses. The necessary duties they must perform are considered by them as actual laborious hardships, and to be dispensed with if possible. When the nurse happens to be what is called a dry nurse, if the infant outlives the nursing, it is almost a miracle; but the want of the mother's milk will be very evident during the life of the adult: while on the other hand, the anxious care of the mother seeks no other reward than the thriving countenance of the infant, and feels fully repaid for every exertion, by seeing the vigorous manhood which holds out a promise of a healthy old age. One of the antients (he was a philosopher) took two puppies from the same fitter, and brought both up under his own inspection; the one was accustomed to the kitchen good fare, the other he trained to the sports of the field. After a given time, each being feeding out of the same bowl, a hare was let loose before them; the sporting dog forsook his food to follow the game, while the domestic dog finished the contents of the bowl. By this little experiment, the philosopher intended to point out the effects of different educations; but the subjects he chose were animals, supplied indeed with instinct, but destitute of the reasoning faculties of the human species. Providence bestowed this superiority on the first of his creatures; if they use it not, or if they abuse it, they betray their ingratitude to their Creator, who has thus endowed and left them a free will; and they likewise degrade themselves below the rank of brute, by not exercising and enjoying this the greatest blessing of Providence. Let us now suppose a case, and let us reason on it; if not as philosophers, at least like intelligent being. A person of the highest consequence leaves twins of the same parents, of equally healthy bodies and of equally sound mental capacities, to the care of two nurses; the one called ECCLESIA, the other ALMA. Ecclesia had made a whimsical and voluntary vow never to marry, and therefore could not have suck. Alma was a mother, and regarded the nurseling as her own. Though each nurse had a separate establishment, yet the directions were precisely the same for the regulation of both; the edifices were similar in every respect; one law was laid down for the servants of each establishment; and each nurse, after a certain period, was to return her respective charge to the high person who had so entrusted them. A short description of the edifices may not be amiss, for the elucidation of the subject. One entrance-hall served for both houses, which admitted visitors but did not again open for their retreat; there was also but one door for all to go out at, this door opened into a wilderness hereafter to be taken notice of; between the doors of entrance and departure, each establishment had two principal rooms opening into each other, and likewise affording communications through which the twins might occasionally pass into each others nursery and gymnasium, for so they were called; the officers and domestics of these establishments had their apartments beneath, but without communications like those above. To avoid any sort of contention among them, Ecclesia and Alma had indisputable authority over their respective households; and in the entrance-hall was deposited a written code from which neither was allowed to deviate, neither were they permitted to add or take away one line or word to, or from, that absolute code. Both nurses applied themselves with equal diligence to their occupations at the commencement; but Ecclesia, being what is called an old maid, soon shewed a dissatisfaction at the greatness of her trouble; the temptation of the rewards and perquisites still made her persevere. She, however, became more careless in her conduct, and seldom looked over the rules by which her charge was to be reared and instructed. In each nursery and gymnasium was traced out a straight line, on which each child was to be taught first to walk; and as soon as able, to run on it also: this was most strongly insisted on by the high person, and most plainly written in the code in the entrance-hall. Little Peter, Ecclesia's charge, for want of breast milk was obliged to be fed with pap, to which she was always adding soothing syrup or some drug to make him strong, and she also obliged him to wear some amulet to preserve him from accidents and misfortunes. Notwithstanding these helps, Peter became weak and ricketty, and was obliged to be kept for years in leading strings; to prevent his hurting himself, the strait line on which he was to walk was covered over with a carpet, so that he could not see it; both in his nursery and gymnasium, the window curtains were let down that too much light might not hurt his tender eyes. He was also forbid to read the book in the great hall, for the same reason, but to listen to Ecclesia's account of it, which would do much better. Whenever sturdy Jack, Alma's charge, visited his brother, little Peter, he was strictly forbid to wrestle with him, lest he might throw him down; and he was threatened sometimes to be whipped and even to be thrown into the fire, if he presumed to coax him into the great hall to read and examine where the difference was between the instructions which Ecclesia gave him, and what sturdy Jack had just been reading with his own eyes. Every child brought to visit little Peter, was obliged to conform to his whims and weaknesses, or instantly to be turned away. Sturdy Jack, so often encountered these rude attacks, that at last he began to refrain from visiting his little brother Peter. Ecclesia growing daily less assiduous in the discharge of her duty, neglected teaching Peter his lessons, and entrusted him to the upper servants. Thus forsaken almost entirely by Ecclesia, he associated with the domestics; seldom visited the great hall; never looked into the written code; hated his brother Jack. The submission shown him in his infancy by his little playmates, when they grew to manhood, he thought them still obliged to observe towards him; he became tyrannical. Jack, for a while, endeavoured to correct him and pointed out how contrary his conduct was to the rules of the book in the great hall; but Jack's endeayours were to no purpose, he thought he had learned enough of the code from the steward and other servants. He wanted to persuade sturdy Jack, that though they were twin brothers, he had come into the world first, and was of course the eldest; and also, that if Jack did not submit to him, he would not only not communicate with him himself, but would not suffer any other person, whom he could influence to associate with him; nay, more, that he would make their father disinherit him; and, moreover, that Ecclesia, who had (as she told him) the keys of the great door leading to the wilderness, should not open it for him or let him ever enter into it. Alma, on the other hand, felt for sturdy Jack, (the name which he had early acquired by walking alone) the same anxiety as if he had been her own child; her suck alone was sufficient for his aliment; he grew apace, soon learned to read, no carpet covered the line marked out in his nursery and gymnasium; so far was the light from affecting his eyes, that he would have all the windows open. This indeed totally prevented little Peter from ever returning his visits. Whenever any little playmates came to him, they would not only wrestle but run races on the straight line; if any of them ran out of the course, he would call to them and cry out, "that was not fair play, that it was contrary to the rule of the code in the great hall;" if they said it was not so, he would offer to accompany them and examine the code itself; he would do this in an amicable manner, and afterwards share his sugar plums with them. He would lament over little Peter's delicacy of constitution which prevented his joining in their sports; he would laugh at the threats of a whipping or being thrown into the fire by Dame Ecclesia; but when grown to manhood, he would not indulge Peter in his opinion of his being the older. He said, their father might decide that, but he could not for a moment suppose he had not an equal right to share with him in the family estate; and as to Dame Ecclesia's keeping the keys of the wilderness, neither she nor Alma had them. for the great person who wrote ine code in the great hall, (if Peter would but look into it) kept them himself; that he knew well from that book, that whenever the great door was opened, that two roads would present themselves, the one uphill and difficult, leading to a luminous palace, which only eyes accustomed to the light could bear; the other road was a tempting declivity, at first only obscure, but finally terminating in everlasting darkness. GARAGANTULINO. APPLICATION. The Church of Rome and her councils wish to impress on the minds of the ignorant, that the Scriptures are too difficult to be understood, or liable to be mistaken by the unlearned. It is absurd to suppose that God sent down to man for his instruction a book, which was not to be understood by him. The Pope and his subordinates have made these Holy writings the source of pecuniary emolument to themselves, by withholding them from the people to whom they were sent without money and without price. Some mysteries in them are not to be explained in our day; were they capable of explanation, they could not be mysteries. Every common capacity can find in them enough for the direction of their conduct in this world; and if they search them, enough for their salvation in the world to come. ON THE CHARACTER OF THE PRESENT OPPOSITION IN PARLIAMENT. MR. EDITOR, HAVING been a constant reader of your excellent publication since its commencement, I beg to offer you my thanks, as a loyal subject of His Majesty, for the opportunity which you have afforded to the supporters of Church and State, in the country, of expressing their sentiments on passing events; and of exposing the designs and machinations of the enemies of both. I trust your work will concentrate as in a focus, the energies and talents of my countrymen; and that it will become a repository of |