his identification, by saying, "Age not precisely vertising on an extensive scale that they can known, but looks older than he is." Only a few weeks ago, the "Thunderer," under its "Wants" advertised for "a nurse, in a small gentleman's family." The size of the gentleman might, probably, be esteemed a matter worthy of mention, as female servants nowadays, even in Old England, are growing dainty. The nuisance in this country, so long endured without complaint, has at length grown to such proportions that the press, with its ten thousand tongues, has condescended to come to the aid of the persecuted housekeeper. And even the advertising column is sometimes used to contain a piece of wholesome satire hitting at the domestic evil. The New Haven Palladium lately published the following: now meet with any degree of success by now and then catching a flat. But people in search of employment, and others disposed (for the purpose of inquiry or speculation) to the purchase of undesignated trinkets for ornamentation, or articles "useful to every housekeeper," have a right to complain of the many deceptive advertisements contained in the daily and weekly press by which the public are not only gulled but cheated. For instance, seventy-five cents is sent by some person to a firm in —, which advertises "Lincoln Watches," and receives in return a small quantity of very poor ointment, "warranted to cure certain cutaneous diseases as surely as a watch keeps time," packed in a piece of tin soldered together in the shape of a WANTED TO HIRE.-A lady, having a pleasant home, watch; another sends one dollar to for a no incumbrances but a husband and one child, wishes to place herself at the disposal of some servant who can come well recommended from her last place. She would prefer one who would be willing to remain within doors at least five minutes after the work is finished. She would also stipulate for the privilege of going to church herself once each Sunday, having been compelled to refuse the last applicant, who was not willing to allow her but half a day once a fortnight. Wages satisfactory, if under $10 a week. She is deeply conscious of the utter inability of ladies in general to comply with the present demands of servants, but she hopes by strict attention to please in all respects. The best of references can be given; also, a good recommend from one who has now left her to the fate of many housekeepers. Please apply before 6 A. M. "Patent time-keeper, warranted never to get out of order," and receives in return a common card, on which is printed a wood-cut representing the face of a sun-dial, which, with an accompanying shawl-pin, is worth nearly one cent. These are but two out of two thousand instances of dishonest advertising flooding the press weekly, and are of a class which is bringing advertising into disrepute, and daily proving the necessity of some kind of censorship to insure the public against misrepresentation and fraud. Occasionally, however, we may find in an advertisement honesty intensified. Here, for instance, is one from the Pall Mall (London) Ga While on the subject of servants, among the many curiosities with which the advertising col-zette: umns of the London Times are daily studded, we do not remember to have ever met with so splendid an effort as the following, which appeared recently: DO YOU WANT A SERVANT?-Necessity prompts the question. The advertiser offers his services to any lady or gentleman, company, or others, in want of a truly faithful, confidential servant in any capacity not menial, where a practical knowledge of human nature in various parts of the world would be available. Could undertake any affair of small or great importance, where talent, inviolable secrecy, or good address would be necessary. Has moved in the best and worst societies without being contaminated by either; has never been a servant, but begs to recommend himself as one who knows his place; is moral, temperate, middle-aged. No objection to any part of the world. Could advise any capitalist wishing to increase his income and have the control of his own money. Could act as secretary or valet to any lady or gentleman. Can give advice or hold his tongue, sing, dance, play, fence, box, preach a sermon, tell a story, be grave or gay, ridiculous or sublime, or do any thing, from the curling of a peruke to the storming of a citadel, but never to excel his master. DOG.-Required a kind master for an excellent black retriever dog. Owner parts with him on no other account than his savage tendencies. Address P. A. P., Post-office, Clinton. The second is from the same paper: A COUNTRY CLERGYMAN would feel most thankful to any benevolent lady that would kindly take into her serv. ice a strong motherless girl of sixteen, whom he is anxious to get from home, but whom he can not recommend for honesty and truthfulness. Address, etc., etc. shoes and fancy articles, in an Eastern paper, Coming near home, an advertisement of cheap says: "N.B. Ladies who wish cheap shoes will do well to call soon, as they will not last long." We give the advertiser the benefit of the double entendre. The following was lately contained in a Westcrn paper: friends and others to let me have liquor, which is hurtful WHEREAS, at particular times, I may importune my to me and detrimental to society: This is, therefore, to forbid any persons selling me liquor, or letting me have JOHN HOLMES. It is evident that John wrote the above when he was sober and repentant, and meant to be honest and faithful to himself and to others. The public, it is feared, have too much reason to complain that it is too frequently they on any account or pretense; for if they do I will pos itively prosecute them, notwithstanding any promise I case that advertisements give an uncertain may make to the contrary at the time they may let me sound. Newspaper columns are open to the have it. honest and the dishonest alike, so that even the high-toned, moral, or religious character of the journal publishing a certain advertisement affords no guarantee to the public that respondents may not be swindled. In this connection it is not necessary to refer to lotteries, gift enterprises, etc. Such concerns are being gener- NOTICE. Whereas Benjamin F. Lines has become so ally correctly estimated, and it is only by ad- addicted to the use of the "critter" as to render himself For being similarly addicted to the foible alluded to, "Polly Lines" advertises her betterhalf: an unfit companion for any civilized person, and where- | talent in their compilation and adaptation. as my property was, under his administration, "passing One or two examples are here set in type: away," I found just cause and provocation (not, indeed, "to leave his bed and board"), but to take my own bed and board and seek out a place of quiet. If he will pay debts of his own contracting, I have no wish to pay any of his contracting after this date. POLLY LINES. SEYMOUR, September 23, 1861. Poor Polly!" Pretty Polly!" Western papers seldom fail to afford amusement, even aside from their columns of facetiæ. The printers sometimes use even the advertising department to point a joke. One of them, whose office is a mile from any other building, and who hangs his sign on the limb of a tree, advertises for an apprentice, and closes by saying, "A boy from the country would be preferred." Another advertises: When Anaxagoras was told of the death of his son, he only said, "I knew he was mortal." So, when we see a splendid pair of ladies' slippers, we say, "I know they came from Crispin Puffer's." A short chapter on Noses ends with an advertisement of a clothing store: NOSEOLOGY.-Some genius, who has devoted much thought and attention to the subject, classes noses as follows: 1. The Roman Nose; 2. The Grecian Nose; 3. The 5. The Snub Nose; 6. The Turn-up Nose, or Celestial. Now it must be confessed that the prejudice goes very strongly in favor of wearing a nose; and that every one who a thing or two knows never fails to procure his Sunday clothes at- etc., etc., etc. Cogitative, or Wide-nostriled Nose; 4. The Crooked Nose; Poetical [?] advertisements are of such a charBOY WANTED.-A smart, active boy, who can read and acter, almost invariably, as to fail to merit rewrite, and is not disposed to divide the gross receipts of production. One may frequently meet with the establishment with the proprietors, will find employ-half a column of the trash, which, however, is ment by application at the Dispatch Office. The Culpepper Observer advertises for an editor in the following terms: WANTED.-At this office, an EDITOR who can please every body; also, a FOREMAN who can so arrange the paper as to allow every man's advertisement to head the column. By the following it will be plainly seen that in some part of Ohio "the schoolmaster is abroad," while punctuation is nowhere: NOTICE TO TRESPASSERS.-Notice is hear By Given that now pursen is pur Mitted to take Ene Net ot Ene Kind out of Mi Woods Mi hogs Must Live Look oute. Here is another, which for its morality (or, rather, for the want of it) is really atrocious: TO RENT.-A house on Melville Avenue, located immediately alongside of a fine plum orchard, from which an abundant supply of the most delicious fruit may be stolen during the season. Rent low, and the greater part taken in plums. seldom read. Such as the following may be effective, but only from their brevity. Dewey, for instance, a grocer in Burlington, Vermont, rhymes away on teas and other potables funnily and punnily: Black, Green, Souchong, and Oolong, Under the heading "Wives Wanted" a certain manufacturer advertises a new kind of soap: I want the wives my plan to try, Pronounce it quite a treasure, When you want the best soap, call for, etc., etc. The proprietor of a building site in Wisconsin The following dunning advertisement is quotadvertises his land for sale in the following po-ed as one of the best of the class. It comes etic style: A Yankee (certainly "irrepressible") advertises that he will repair clocks, lecture on Phrenology, milk kicking cows, and go clamming at high tide. During his leisure he will have no objection to edit a newspaper in the bargain. But a Mississippi paper in some respects takes the palm for audacity, when its own editor and proprietor advertises a sow for sale, saying that it is "sold for no fault, except that, having been raised by a Methodist preacher, she has acquired too great a partiality for spring chickens to be agreeable to the present owner." "Catch" advertisements have latterly come into common use-very much, occasionally, to the disgust of the serious trader. These are generally placed among "Notices" in city journals, or in the columns of reading matter of the country weeklies. Many of them are exceedingly ingenious, and display no small degree of from the West, and has the pure Western flavor. Had it only appeared lately, the advertiser might have had the benefit of the wide-andwidely extended circulation of this article. It is only to be regretted that the writer published his advertisement too soon: NOTICE-Persons indebted to the Tuscaloosa Book Store are respectfully solicited to pay their last year's account forthwith. It is of no use to honey; payments must be made at least once a year, or I shall run down at the heel. Every body says, How well that man Woodruff is going on in the world! when the fact is, I have not positively spare change enough to buy myself a shirt or a pair of breeches. My wife is now actually engaged in turning an old pair wrong side out, and trying to make a new shirt out of two old ones. She declares that in Virginia, where she was raised, they never do such things; and that it is, moreover, a downright vulgar piece of business altogether. Come, come, pay up, friends! Keep peace in the family, and enable me to wear my breeches right side out. You can hardly imagine how much it will oblige, dear Sirs, the public's most obedient, most obliged, and most humble servant. The annexed advertisement is reprinted for the benefit of that much-abused class-boarding-house keepers. It may justly be supposed to emanate from a confirmed and crusty bach- day the pronunciation of the now popular inelor: quiry is that of the original hand-bill. BOARD AND REPOSE WANTED. In some sensible fa The examples given will show that the art of mily, uninfested with cats, poodle dogs, canary-birds, ju- advertising, if not one of the fine arts is certainvenile jewsharps, mimicking old maids, scheming wid-ly one of the most useful. In fact, it has beows, feminine "hopefuls" with match-making mammas, or come almost necessary both to buyer and seller. other nuisances. Hot dinner required on Sunday. Terms not to exceed $50 per month. Address, Comfort-Seeker, There are those, however, who have endeavored Madison Square, N. Y. to make it in reality a fine art. Packwood, some The Boston Traveler lately contained, in the fifty years ago, led the way in England of liberal and systematic advertising, by impressing his form of an advertisement, a fair hint at the unseemly, inconvenient, and ridiculous custom of razor-strop indelibly on the mind of every beardyoung men and hobbledehoys who every Sun-ed member of the kingdom. Like other great day annoy the public by impudently obstructing potentates, he boasted a laureate in his pay, and the passages in front of the churches-an evil every one remembers the reply made to the inwhich unfortunately exists in many other vil-dividuals so curious to know who drew up his lages besides Boston, Massachusetts: A CARD.-The Donkey Club of this city would respectfully inform the public that they have made arrangements for an extensive demonstration, on the sidewalk opposite Winter Street Church, at the close of divine service on Sunday, the 4th instant. MOUSTACHE, Corresponding Secretary and Chairman of the Street Lounging Com mittee. advertisements: "La! Sir! we keeps a poet." But by universal consent, the world has accorded to the late George Robins the palm in the fine style of commercial puffing. His advertisements were really artistically written. Like Martin, he had the power of investing every landscape and building that he touched with an importance and majesty not attainable Advertising stratagems are sufficiently nu- by meaner hands. He did, perhaps, go beyond merous to merit almost a sheet of examples. the yielding line of even poetical license, when One of the most curious, "whereby hangs a he described one portion of a paradise he was tale," belongs to England, and deserves a place about to subject to public competition as adorned, in Harper's Monthly, the receptacle of all things among other charms, with "a hanging wood," literary worth preserving. The story is that, which the astonished purchaser found out meant some few years ago, a hatter in London specu- nothing more nor less than an old gallows. But lated in the purchase of the entire stock of a then he redeemed slight manoeuvres of this kind bankrupt brother tradesman; but, soon after his by touches which displayed a native and overpurchase, he found that he had overstocked him- flowing genius for puffing. On one occasion he self. He was on the point of reluctantly dis-had made the beauties of an estate so enchantmissing some of his "hands" when a sharp-ing that he found it necessary to blur his dewitted friend came to the rescue. By his ad- scription by a fault or two, lest it should prove vice a hand-bill, announcing the cheapness of too bright and good "for human nature's daily the hatter's wares, was prepared and distributed food." "But there are two drawbacks to this exactly as had been already done for some time, property," sighed out this apostle of the mart, except in one particular item. The bill was "the litter of the rose leaves and the noise of the headed, "Who's your Atter?" and throughout nightingales." Certainly the rhetoric of exquiits contents the goods were invariably mentioned site puffing could no further go. as "ats:" "Youth's Silk Ats"-"Best Beaver We can not refrain from giving a part of one Ats"-" Ladies Riding Ats"—and so forth. The of his advertisements, which were always of conremainder of the advertisement was in unex-siderable length, sometimes occupying an enceptionable English. The result perfectly jus-tire column of the Times. The following extified the inventor's anticipations. These bills tract refers to the sale of Fort Abbey in Dorsetwere sought after as typographical curiosities. shire. After the usual introduction, Mr. Robins Men shouted with laughter at the ludicrous ef- went on to say: fect of what many considered ignorance on the part of the printer or of the writer. They car- Robins, without the slightest affectation, proclaims that ried these bills in their pockets and merrily he approaches the task with fear and trembling, showed them to their friends. One or two only saving clause by which he can well seek to soften the elderly gentlemen, previously perfect strangers, is alone to be found in the liberty the composer will take reproaches of an enlightened and deeply-read community came to the shop, bought "ats," and expostu- with authors so highly-gifted, that he must indeed be a lated gravely with the "atter" upon the sole- bold man who will not yield assent to his researches. Dngcism. Young fellows purchased gossamers for dale is no mean authority, and with this and a few introthe fun of the thing, begged for hand-bills, and ductory facts, the herculean task must be approached. The Fort Abbey Demesues are to be traced back to a very held jocular conversations with the shopkeeper. distant day, and it has ever since maintained its proud The shop became known, and the proprietor superiority over every other monastery in England. It is frequently smiles as he hears the street-boys call-a splendidly grand and unique building, altogether realiz ing out the established phrase of "Who's your ing Lord Byron's glowing description of Norman Abbey: Atter?" the origin of which, but for the publication of this curious little episode in advertising, might, possibly in a few short years, have And in the description that necessarily must follow, Mr. "An old, old monastery once, and now Tho been lost forever to the antiquarian. To this Its classic front extends to near 300 feet. The order of architecture is in the Tudor style, and may be dated about the time of Henry VIII.; but to describe it as it deserves is felt to be far beyond the reach of the limited capacity of the composer, and even much wiser heads would be puzzled in the attempt to do it justice-it is indeed the great Leviathan of the West. Its fame has been held in the highest veneration from generation to generation, and it is now avowed to have no successful rival amidst the vast variety of monasteries to be found throughout the country. The first impression on beholding this ancient pile the writer feels can never be obliterated from his memory; his mind on the instant seemed to be subdued into a most devout and religious state, one of absolute wonder, mixed up with boundless admiration; it was a joyous spectacle, but Mr. Robins can not too earnestly invoke all those who possess a soul congenial with objects of antiquity to go to the abbey, and then judge for themselves; they will, with one accord, proclaim how absolutely impossible it is to convey in suitable terms the panegyric which would be awarded to it. The county in which the abbey is placed will not yield to any other. The reader needs not to be reminded that, in days of yore, the taste of the monks in the selection of their lands was never questioned, and amidst all the good things of this world, they were re markable for the accuracy of their judgment. In selecting the best of every thing, even the fat of the land was not accounted too good for their refined taste. This princely property is all freehold of inheritance, surrounded by lawns and pleasure-grounds, with graveled walks between rows of umbrageous trees of great size and stateliness, intercepted with ornamental waters, cascades, and waterfalls sparkling with foam, and here and there a statue to diversify the scene. The park, which is one of great beauty, is stocked with deer, whose venison has obtained the highest celebrity for its fatness and fine flavor, while the soft, undulating foliage of its magnificent and timehonored trees is perpetually deluding the eye into a belief that it was of boundless extent, and imparting just such an air of tempered wildness as would gratify the lover of scenery, without offense to those who are inclined to look rather for the evidences of the superintending hand of care and cultivation. Indeed, every thing seems to increase the charms of a spot so rich in nature's beauties. Of the ornamental waters in front of the abbey we find it thus recorded: "Before the mansion lay a lucid lake, Broad as transparent, deep and freshly fed The river Axe, so renowned by the disciples of Izaak Walton for its piscatory pleasures and delicious trout, winds in serpentine beauty through the fair demesne, "Lost for a space through thickets veering, It was here that "The branching stag swept down with all his herd. To quaff a brook which murmured like a bird." It may still be asked, "What more can mortals now desire?" The sporting qualities extend to every thing a gentleman's heart can contemplate. By-the-way, the monks' celebrated walk is in high preservation, and to omit a panegyric upon the ancient tapestry that adorns the state rooms would approach sacrilege. It really and truly may be accounted the wonder and admiration of the world. It fearlessly challenges a rival; and the writer is exceedingly desirous that the reader should not for one moment charge this description of being too vivid. He may rest assured here is no flight of fancy, but a veritable and unassuming report. This description, it is perceived, has already extended beyond the limits prescribed, and therefore (with lament) the writer ends this very imperfect recital, merely observing that the terms used by the foundress of the abbey when she tendered to the holy fathers her manor of Thorncombe, in exchange for the barren lands of Brightley, stating it to be "well wooded and fertile," are trebly appropriate in the present day. man in France, seeing the advertisement, was attracted to England to be present at the sale. But lo, and behold! when he came, he found that the picture of truth had been so entirely overdrawn as to render it altogether a piece of deception. Instead of the picturesque and sublime, the whole thing was simply ridiculous. The Frenchman immediately brought an action for damages against George Robins and gained his suit by recovering his expenses-our auctioneer becoming thus, for once, a loser by his special genius. We will now" conquer a close" by "improv ing the whole subject" and adding words of ad vice: (2.) I. TO MERCHANTS. (1.) Advertise. Advertise liberally. (3.) Advertise courageously. the Advertisements. (2.) Study them, and verily II. TO THE PEOPLE AT LARGE.—(1.) Read they shall be for your profit. LOOKING UNDER THE BED. T is the habit of many persons to take a look night. Mrs. Evergreen, my beloved wife, indulges, if indulgence it can be called, in this peculiar practice. I do not object to it in the least so long as she does not enforce the performance upon myself; but when, as is sometimes the case, she forgets it until she has put out the light and ensconced herself under the comforter, then it is hard that I, who am not troubled with nervous apprehensiveness, should have to get out in the cold and do it for her. I have often remarked to Mrs. Evergreen, when I have seen her prying under the bed, that it was a silly habit, and that the sooner she gave it up the better. To this gentle admonition my better-half invariably rejoins: "La, Evergreen! what harm does it do? It's a kind of satisfaction to know that nobody's under there, and then I don't think of such a horrible thing after I'm in bed." "I think, my dear, you might just as well pursue your investigations further and look into the bureau drawers and the clothes-basket." 66 the idea, or I shall certainly do so. 'Evergreen," she will rejoin, "don't mention Come to think of it, a man could very easily get into the clothes-basket!" "Certainly he could, my dear, quite as easily as Falstaff. You should certainly include the clothes-basket, and by-the-by, there's the chimney; why not look up that as well?” "Now, Evergreen, you're laughing at me. But I can't leave off the habit, and I never will. It's a comfort for me to know that there's nothing wrong about it, and I don't see why you should deprive me of it." So under the bed goes the candle, and, no signs We are hereby reminded of a difficulty into of humanity being discovered, Mrs. Evergreen is which Mr. Robins got a few years since on ac- able to repose in peace. But, as already obcount of bestowing such lavish praise upon some served, this precautionary act is sometimes forestate which he was engaged to sell. A gentle-gotten, and I am myself obliged to rise, light the lamp, and report. I've done it rather more fre- "Very well, Evergreen, I'll do it myself." I was not bad-looking when I was in my twenties. I think I may go further, and confidently say that "Gus Evergreen" was a decided favorite among the girls of Oakville, and I really believed that I could have had any of them "for the asking." As I before remarked, Mrs. Evergreen is not present, and I indulge my thoughts somewhat more freely than would otherwise be the case. I don't think that I cared particularly for any of the Oakville girls, however, and I might have kept my heart whole to this day if it had not been for the circumstance which I am about to relate. After distress any human being; but she had a way of looking in one's eyes as if to captivate them, for her mere personal amusement. At any rate girls, but all their attentions came to nothing. she had a larger share of beaux than the other I feared it might be so with Fred Evans, and warned him accordingly; but Fred said he'd out her life was naught to him;" that "she was "have her if he tried all his life;" that "withthe only living being who had ever awakened a real emotion in his breast," etc., etc. that I said no more, but closely observed the lovers, and soon came to the conclusion that Fred was by no means disagreeable to her. Things went on in this way without any definite result until Fred received a sudden summons home on account of his mother's illness. When he came back to renew his visit he insisted upon staying at the Oakville Hotel rather than wear out his welcome at our house, and finding remonstrance unavailing, there he went. The landlord (honest old Downsbury—I wonder if he yet lives) gave Fred, at my suggestion, his best bedroom, "No. 20"-I am particular in mentioning the number. 20," said Downsbury. "He shall have No. Master Augustus, shall have the best I have to "Any friend of yours, give as long's I'm landlord.' room, looking out on the distant hills and the It was a pleasant beautiful winding branch of the Blackwater; but what cared Fred for scenery? he was in the hands of the blind god, and could not see even as far as his nose, except in the direction of Belle's smoke my cigar, while he, poor wretch, expaticottage. I used to go over to Fred's room and ated on his sufferings, doubts, and solicitudes. Did she love him? that was the question which disturbed every moment of his existence, and to which, with the closest reasoning, he could not bring himself a satisfactory reply. Sometimes he thought a word or a sign settled the point beyond a doubt in his favor; at others he fancied he read a coolness and indifference in her eyes, not press the question lest a hasty step might In this condition of uncertainty he dared bring him to grief. Fred Evans, who had been my chum at school, sound Belle as to her sentiments, if a favorable At Fred's earnest solicitation I promised to came to make me a visit at Oakville for "a day opportunity presented itself, or at any rate to let or two," as he said, when he came; but he made her know, in an indirect way, that Fred was it a week or two easily enough after I'd taken languishing in distress on her account, and thas him about a little among the "young ladies." give her no excuse for unnecessarily prolonging When that time had expired Fred said he really his misery. It so happened, however, that my must go, as he didn't know what his father and services were not called into requisition. Belle mother would think of his long absence; but it Bronson, because of the sudden arrival at her ended in his relieving their anxiety by a letter house of some country cousins, was obliged to and sending for his trunks. I knew how the give up her room-her mother's cottage being a matter was perfectly well, and that Belle Bron- small one-and to occupy for a single night a son had bewitched him out of his five senses. Fred tried to put it on to the "country air and offered her guests accommodation at our house, room at the hotel. We would cheerfully have the quiet which was benefiting his health, etc.," but we were in the same predicament. but it was no use trying to deceive me, and I agricultural fair in the village had brought many told him so. Then he owned up frankly, and I strangers into the place, and our own guests promised to help him all I could, if he required were so numerous that I had given up my room any help in the prosecution of his suit. I never thought Belle a flirt, or that she would willingly Evans to let me pass the night with him. to two of them, and had intended asking Fred An |