Page images

the goodness to let him know, that there has been no yellow fever since I came to America—but that in return the catadids have created great disturbance ? A good work against the catadids, might prevent emigration. Tell him, if your lordship pleases, that the butter is no better than it was when he was here ; and the pigs remain unreconciled to the peaches. The timothy-grass grows straight up, and so does the duck-grass

-aproposaithe ducks here go on the water like those of England ; but they swim hardest against the stream. Twelve barrels of plaister in Massachusetts go as far as a dozen in any other state ; and there is but one head upon a stock of wheat, and the grass grows rankest in the wet ground. A work of this nature may serve to prevent the lovers of good butter and pork from coming to America, and prevent emigration.--They boil their cabbage in fresh water, and throw the water out.

All the other departments are as ridiculous as the executive ; and one of his majesty's cream-coloured Hanoverian horses, has more servants than their Secretary of State. They have no lords nor beggars.We must try to have beggars.-A little work upon that, might put things in a strong light.

Their judges are without wigs, and their lawyers without gowns. This might be called bald justice, and stinted eloquence.

There is no energy in the execution of the law.One constable, with a staff, will march twenty prisoners. Your lordship knows a country, where every man has a soldier to watch him with a musket.

The government here makes no sensation. It is round about you like the air, and you cannot even feel it. A good work might be written upon that to prevent emigration, by shewing that the arts of government are not known.

There are very few shewmen or mountebanksa proof of a dull plodding people, all being about their own affairs. This might be stated to prevent idlers from coming. But as there is little temptation for that class, it is not worth a book.

They have no decayed nor potwolloping boroughs, which renders, their parliament a stiff machine.Their candidates are not chaired, and throw no sixpences among the mob. This might be used to prevent the emigration of the mob.

I dont like their little one-gun ships of the line. If they are so wicked when they are little, what will they be when they grow big ?

I believe Decatur to be a dangerous man--I had it from the Ex-Bashaw of Tripoli. And Preble, I fear, is as båd; though the Bashaw did not tell me

However, if we dont come near them, they can do us no harm. I hope your lordship will not count me over-zealous in my remarks, and that they may not be considered altogether unworthy of your lordship's wisdom. Your lordship having been first lord of the admiralty, is the best judge of gun-boats.

The inventions of this people are becoming every day more alarming. They sold their card-making machine to the English for twenty thousand pounds sterling ! and now they say they can make one for

[ocr errors]

fifty guineas. Might not some addresses be adviseable from the Manchester Fustian Weavers?

They have made a Sream Boat, to go against wind and tide, seven miles in the hour--an alarming circumstance to the coach-making trade. A work might be written against the emigration of coachmakers, and entitled-No Steam Boat.

The burning of Patterson Mills, was very fortunate ;

but the Eastern and Southern Manufacturers would require to be burned.

It is time the country was taken out of their hands. They are committing daily waste upon the woods, and disfiguring the face of Nature with villages, turnpikes, and canals. They are about stopping up two miles and a half of sea, which they call the Narrows, though I endeavor to persuade them of the advantage of a free passage for his majesty's ships of war up to this city, and put before their eyes the example of COPENHAGEN.

That Chesapeake business has burst the bubble, and shews that many of those we counted upon here, are Americans in their hearts, and will not do any serious mischief to their own country. Their wranglings, I fear, are like those of our own whig and. tory, and will profit us nothing.

But there is yet a means left. And if ship will send me a hundred thousand pounds by the Windsor Castle, I shall lose not an instant to set about it. It will, I hope, be no objection to my project, that it is a new one; the more so, as the old ones

Y y

your lord

[ocr errors]

have not succeeded very well. I should glory, my lord, to be the author of a species of civil war and discord yet unattempted, and thereby recommend myself to the honorable consideration of his majesty's ministers.

There exists, my lord, in this nation, a latent spark which requires only to be fanned. If this be done with address, we shall have a civil war lighted up

in this country, which will not be easily extinguished ; for the contest will be between the two sexes. If we once can get them into separate camps, and keep the war afoot for sixty years, there is an end of the American people.

The matter is briefly this:- The men smoak tobacco. The ladies will not be smoaked. They say they do not marry nor come into the world to be smoaked with tobacco. The men say they did not marry nor come into the world to be scolded, and that they will be masters in their own houses. They are both in the right they are both in the wrong. Neither is right, nor neither is wrong, according as the balance of power can be managed by a cunning hand. And under the cover of this smoak, much excellent mischief may be done for the service of his majesty; and the war, which will be memorable in future history, may be called the segar war.

We have at once, in our hands, three principal ingredients of civil war: fire, smoak, and hard words.

We might coalesce with our magnanimous allies, the Squaws, on the western frontiers, and a diversion on the Chesapeake would complete the whole.



[ocr errors]
[ocr errors]

And I should not despair of marching a column of ladies, by the next summer, into Virginia, and laying the tobacco, plantations waste with fire and tow.

One great advantage of my project, your lordship will please to observe, is this—that whether it succeed or fail, take it at the very worst-supposing it to end as it began, in smoak; it would have a result to the full as favorable as other projects which have cost old England fifty times the sum I ask for. The very smoaking of these ladies would be a great point gained; for they have arrived at an insolent pitch of beauty; and it will be in vain that we should deter the connoisseurs and virtuosi of our dominions from coming over here, by holding out that there are no statues nor pictures, if we suffer them to preserve such exquisite models of flesh and blood from which goddesses, nymphs and graces, may be imitated. A few refined souls will prefer cheeks of brass, and eyeballs of stone, to the dimple of nature, and sparkling glances of the laughter-loving eye. But the mass of mankind will be ever vulgar; for them canvas will be too flat, and marble too hard; and flesh and blood will carry off the prize.

It is true, my lord, that the same arts are not yet so advanced in this country as in those farther gone

in corruption and luxury. Yet it is mortifying to see the progress the young and fair ones are daily making in those delicate acquirements which give lustre to virtue, and embellish good sense. Those arts which have now the charm of novelty, and the grace of infancy, çannot fail to improve in a soil where living beauty

[ocr errors]
« PreviousContinue »