THE

WORKINGS

OF MY

HEART

IN MY

AFFLICTION.

1680.

THE will of God in laying this affliction upon me, I unfeignedly approve as holy, just, and good and I am unfeignedly willing to bear the affliction,

affliction, as it is an evil laid upon me by his will, till the time come, in which he thinks fit to remove it.

I watch, and pray, and strive, that I may not give way to a repining thought against his holy hand. In this point the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. My mind doth really consent to God's dispensation, and to my submission, as being most agreeable to his wise and gracious government, and most conducing to my salvation. But my sensitive part, and my mind also, as it is in part unrenewed, weak, and sinful, doth greatly reluctate; so that I am put hard to it, and I

must say, I am willing, Lord, help my unwillingness.

I have not observed in the several days past, that a thought of direct or positive discontent, or vexatious commotion of mind, hath been admitted by me; nevertheless, I see to my grief, that I fall exceeding short of that quietness, content, and cheerfulness in my condition, and of that freeness of self-resignation to God's will, that I desire, and his goodness calls for.

I wrestle with God by importunate prayer, that this thorn in the flesh might depart from me; that this distemper might be removed, or

so mitigated, that I might be in some comfortable ease, and get a more cheerful freedom in doing my duty. Yet I would not wrest this relief out of his hands unseasonably, and without his goodwill and his blessing. I would wait his time, and desire to have it with his love and favour, and with a saving benefit.

My earnest desire of deliyerance is limited with submission to his holy will. Yet I find that this submission is no easy matter, but that I must take pains with my own heart; and that it is God, who must work my heart to it, and keep under the flesh,

which

which is always ready to rebel. It is hard to be willing to bear my wearisome condition: and, O how weak is my heart, and ready to sink if it be not upheld by a strength above my own! O let his grace be sufficient for me, and let his power be made perfect in my weak

ness.

I feel myself better in the inner man, for this chastening. It hath furthered mortification and self-denial, and done much to the breaking of the heart of pride, and to bring me on towards that more perfect self-examination, for which I labour.