366 Inftances of Gluttony at Ordinaries and public Feafts. July extremities, burfted into the room about eleven o'clock, and, after chewing on the bill of fare, as long as a proctor's bill, feemingly much diftreffed which of the articles to choofe, he ordered rump ftakes and oyfter fauce for two," pronouncing the laft word with an emphafis. My friend and I, though we could not help wondering a little at his calling for fo heavy a fupper, were not furprised at the quantity, concluding that he expected a companion, but our aftonishment was great indeed, when we faw him devour the whole, though a very good allowance for two, and that with incredible difpatch. After this we should not have wondered, if he had ordered a pail full of punch, but he wafhed down his fupper with about a quart of fmall beer, paid his reckoning, and, to our great pleasure, waddled to a coach which had been brought for him to the door. This extraordinary fpectacle brought to my mind much fuch another I once faw at an ordinary at Turnham Green. After taking the whole of the sweetbread from the breaft of veal, one of the guests had the modefty to help his wife, whom he had placed with himfelf at the head of the table, to the entire breaft of the goose, obliquely telling the company, "his fpoufe had been monftroufly fond of that part ever fince he was a child." There were, befide thefe difhes, a large edgebone of beef, quarter of lanib, and two fruit pies, and if I was to say that this gormandizer ate to the value of more than five fhillings, I am fure I should not exceed the truth. The company were not furprised to hear him fay after dinner, that he had dined at all the ordinaries in and about London." I was once intimately acquainted with an immoderate eater, and fool enough to take a month's tour with him into the country. I fay fool enough, Sir, becaufe I was every day difgufted with his voracity. An expedient however at length occurred to me to render it lefs disagreeable. I made him agree to eat, previous to every meal, fuch a quantity of food as would bring down his appetite on a par with mine, fo that we might fit down together on equal terms, and both eat as chriftians. During the last war in Germany, there was an officer much more dif tinguifhed for his execution at table than in the field. Whenever any thing fcarce or nice was brought to dinner, it was with difficulty his brother officers could partake. Finding all hints of his ill manners ineffectual, they had recourfe to the following fcheme. It being a cuftom with the officer, on account of the weather, to dine bald headed; one day, when a fine turtle was brought to table, the company procured a black boy, who usually attended behind his chair, to frew a little pounded fugar now and then upon the crown of his head, which presently caking by means of the fun, the flies came in fwarms to feed on it, and gave him continual employment, for as foon as he had buffeted them away, the plaguy infects returned again to their luscious banquet. This witty device practifed with the defired fuccefs till the end of the campaign. But, Sir, if any one would fee gluttony in all (if I may be allowed the expreffion) its glory, he must step into the city, and take a dinner at fome of the hofpital feafts, or livery feftivals. To thofe who have not been witneffes of the fact, it will feem incredible to what excefs fome members of the corporation eat on these occafions. My observation and astonishment hav ing been often attracted by a certain common-council-man, remarkable for his rotundity of body, I determined to take, at fome feftival or other, an exact account of every thing he should happen to swallow under the denomination of a dinner, and accordingly, at an anniversary feaft of the governors of Bridewell Hofpital, I put my defign into execution. I beg leave, Sir, to prefent you with it, affuring you, that whatever appearance it may have, it is made out with great truth and accuracy. Memorandum of what Mr. J H confumed at his dinner on a Bridewell Hofpital annual venifon feaf. Two plates of mock turtle. Some falmon trout. venifon. Ham and chicken. SECOND 1776. On Plots against Government-Cod-Fish Plot. SECOND COURSE, Some goofe and green peafe. Lobfter-cold. One fmall custard. One plate of rafberries, thoroughly Two flices of a melon. And fome cheese. Leaving the quantity quite out of the queftion, we inuft fhudder when we reflect on the horrid mafs, the confolidation of fuch a number of heterogeneous articles must have formed in this glutton's paunch, efpecially when we take into confideration their auxiliaries, fuch as lobfter fauce, currant jelly, melted butter, oil and vinegar, mustard, fugar, and fmall beer: and UNDER 367 yet, when the waiters came to clear the table at which he had dined, he angrily told them "they were in a confounded hurry, and fwore he would knock fome of them down if they did not get him fome ice cream," adding withal," it is damned hard a body can't dine at thefe here places in comfort." Give me leave to affure you, Sir, that it is not in my difpofition to caft any wanton ridicule on the citizens of London. As a corporate body I honour and efteem them, but confidering them individually, I cannot help thinking that very few indeed can fay with Solon, "other men live that they may eat, but I eat only that I may live ;" and I must also take the liberty to think, that eating and drinking is much more attended to at their public festivals, than fociablenefs and good manners, On Plots against NDER a wife and patriotic administration, there is fcarcely any fuch thing as a plot. When the prince is mifled; when he is taught to believe, that he can have an intereft feparate from that of his people; when he aims at governing by an ariftocracy, and, for this purpose, creates peers by dozens, as the fun calls mushrooms into existence from a dunghill; when a parliament is the creature of the minifter, and the minifter is a mere vaffal of the crown; when fuch is the miferable ftate of a country, a plot may exift. This was the ftate of England under that obftinate fool James the Second. The plot of the Revolution fent him about his bufinefs. We have nothing to fear, but every thing to hope, from the prefent monarch. No danger is therefore to be apprehended from a plot. If the miniftry, and thofe who befiege his majesty's perfon, do not mean to bring about a revolution, the people are perfectly content with their prefent fituation. They are convinced, that they never fhall be-more free, never-more happy. Under a bad adminiftration, plots have frequently been encouraged by the miniftry themselves. They have Government. X. wifhed their mafter to fuppofe himself in danger, that he might be weaned from all affection for his people. Thus having engroffed his confidence, they impofed on his credulity. The reign of Charles the Second exhibits a fpecimen of this. The minifters encouraged plotters. Plotting was then a trade, and every villain became an informer, it being a furer way to thrive than taking the road. Most true it is, that the plots fet on foot by mi niftry have ever been of the incredible kind. They have abounded with improbabilities, like that lately of Mr. Richardfon's concerning Mr. Sayre. The Meal-tub plot, the Band-box plot, the Screw-pin plot, were fo many names for fictitious contrivances, to ruin a fet of men cbnoxious to the minifters. Some of thofe plots failed. Others fucceeded. Sonie were of the melancholic, others of the mirthful kind. In the reign of Henry the Seventh, there was a contrivance, entitled the Col-fish plot. It was worked up from the following circumance. An obnoxious oppofer of the court was feized like Mr. Sayre. Amongst his papers there was found a letter from a friend in Kent, returning thanks for the receipt of "a fine Cod 368 On new Peerages-an Irish Bon Mot. On new Peerages, HE multiplicity of new creations, THE confidered in a political light, is a measure of abfurdity. Unless honours are the rewards of public fervices, they are fo many bribes to ftrengthen the power of the crown. If these bribes are scattered with too lavish an hand, the very purpofe for which they are conferred, is defeated. The defign of creating peers, is to increase the number of friends. But, in proportion as the peerage is enhanced in an overgrown degree, the dignity of nobility is leffened. Titles ceafe to be refpectable, when they are become common. When James the Firft afcended the throne of England he fcattered coronets amongst his followers, as children do play-things amongst their fellows. He increafed the peerage, that he might multiply friends, and establish` himfelf more firmly on the throne. This king was efteemed a wife man. He had fome virtue, and a larger portion of learning than falls to the fhare of princes. Yet he was deceived in this, as in every thing elfe, by his advisers. The multiplicity of creations brought on his difgrace. Ti tles were fo plentiful, that they became cheap in the eyes of the vulgar. They loft their dignity. Their power declined of course. It was efteemed more honourable to be devoid of title. The appellation of a commoner bespoke refpect. The title of lord implied nothing more than court-vaffalage, time-ferving obfequioufnefs. Qualities fufficiently infamous to excite contempt. By thefe impolitic creations, James loft that affiftance of the nobility, he was taught to expect. The nobles July time preparing for the invafion of England. The cod-fifb could therefore only mean that impoftor. The barrel of oysters meant the army which he defigned to bring over with him. All this was confirmed by an expreffion in the letter, "That the cod-fifb and oysters came very seasonably." with a Bon Mot could not effectually affift him. They had not any weight with the people., As the power of the nobles declined through the increase of their numbers, the power of the commons arofe with the increase of their fpirit. Thus was James defeated in his end by being mistaken in his means. Our courtiers are all hiftorians. Our minifters are extremely well verfed in the ftate papers of every reign. If they would but profit by their reading, it would much advantage the king. If the minifter wished to degrade the peerage, he could not do it more effectually, than by advising his majesty to multiply creations without any public reafon for the deed. One advantage, indeed, may accrue to the nation. The numbers of the nobility will be increafed to fuch a degree, that it will be with the utmost difficulty, we fhall recollect their names. When this happens, an office may be erected, wherein the people may be taught an art to help weak memories, to an accurate knowledge of the names of the nobility. The very numerous creation of Irish peerages brings to remembrance a bon mot, of Harwood the famous Irish counsellor :-Paffing through Drogheda, he called upon his friend the mayor, who was by trade a grocer: How fares my old friend? fays the counsellor;-Oh! by my shoul, never worfe! Why what's the matter? "How the devil fhall I fell my cheese and butter, now the duke of Dorset has made me a knight?" "Poh! poh! fays Harwood, hold your tongue, you old fool; by Jafus! you're very well off, that he did not make you a lord!" ON 1776. 369 For the LONDON MAGAZINE. On the Convict A&t. S if determined to caft a fevere venture to foretell, that such a fight A reaction on this reign there is will not be long endured. English carcely a fingle act of parliament, which miniftry have paffed, but what hath been pregnant with abfurdities. The Convict A&t is erroneous in its origin; impolitic in its end; impracticable in its execution. The troubles in America gave exiftence to the Convict Act. As the colonies would not receive our felons, miniftry determined wholly to lay afide the mode of tranfportation. Becaufe we could not fend cargoes of fcoundrels to America, adminiftration de termined, for the fake of preferving the breed, to keep them at home. This was a flagrant error. The punifhment of transportation fhould have been continued. The place only fhould have been changed. Inftead of fending convicts to America, they fhould have been tranfported to the Eaft Indies. The company would thus have been furnished with a body of foldiery. There would not have been any occafion for crimps and kidnappers to trepan the unwary, or feduce the induftrious. A regular fupply of able-bodied men would have been drafted as it were to our Afiatic fettlements. The number of executions would have decreased. No fuch thing as hanging for a return from tranfportation, would ever have happened. A convict, once fafely landed in India, would have found an escape to England impoffible. The impoffibility of fucceeding would have deterred him from the attempt, He might have become induftrious through contraint, and honeft thro' neceffity. As far as a comprehenfive plan of policy is concerned, the Convict Act is altogether impolitic. What end can be attained, in the leaft degree, contributive to the welfare of the nation? The fight of an Englishman, transformed into a galley flave, is humiliating. Without arrogating to myfelf the spirit of prophecy, I will July 176. men, in their moft degenerate condition, are defigned for a better fate. If the Convict Act was juftifiable in its origin, and politic in its end, the execution of it is utterly imprac-... ticable. Who are to be the overfeers of the galley flaves? Out of what fund are thofe overfeers to be paid their refpective falaries? Who is to provide lighters for the galley flaves to work in? Who is to pay for the irons which are to chain them together? The act declares, that fuch and fuch materials fhall be provided; but it leaves the mode of providing and the payment when provided, to the hand of chance-the only executor of measures which originate in ignorance! A volume might be filled; a month might be engroffed in commenting on the grofs abfurdities with which the Convict Act abounds. In former reigns, acts of parliament were penned with accuracy. Being general laws, they were fo drawn up as to be generally understood. They were calculated, in a manner, to execute themfelves. The reverfe is now the cafe. Scarcely a law has paffed one month, before the judges are requested to explain the meaning of that law. Ambiguity abounds, where perfpicuity fhould be the most apparent. It is a fufficient fatire on the abilities of our miniftry to fay, that, as ftatesmen, they enact laws which cannot be executed. If one, out of a multiplicity of inftances of this kind, is called for, I will refer to the Convict A&. L will fhortly take place. It has passed into a law. It will affect the liberties of millions.-Let it be executed if it can. If it fhall be found impracticable in the execution, the framers, contrivers, and abettors of fuch an act, deferve, for their ftupidity, a little wholefome flagellation. 370 July To the EDITOR of the LONDON MAGAZINE. A SIR, Defcription of a new Academy at Paris. MONG the oddities which prefent themselves every minute to the eyes of a ftranger in this fluttering city, I have been highly entertained with one in particular, i. e. the academy for teachingthe art of female hair dreffing according to the prefent high gout. In my walks I have feen feveral of thefe, where a large room, with its contents, is laid open to public view, and wherein you fee a great number of the dirtiest female drabs the streets afford, hired to fit (as we phrafe it) not for their pictures, but their patience, and to have their heads and their hair twisted and turned about in various forms, according to the tafte of the operator, Some of these ladies in high dress have been fo won derfully picturefque, that I have more than once been in danger of breaking blood veffel; nor is it lefs entertaining to obferve, with what aftonith ment and delight fome of them feem to look into the glass under their elegant coiffure. Yet I must confefs I have feen others who have exhibited well bred faces, and looked full as like women of fashion as their betters; a look which no drefs can give to a low educated woman of our nation. When a head is finished, the whole chamber of artifts examine the workmanship, and after each has given his opinion, the pyramid is thrown down, and re-erected by fome other fudent. Before I have well recovered from the forenefs and a fit of coughing, which laughing is apt to produce on me, my eyes are truck with two golden angels founding trumpets, and which, in the joint actions of flying and walking, fupport their trumpets with one hand, each holding a well combed peruke in the other. By this you will perceive, Mr. Editor, that the head and the hair are the two main objects of a Frenchman's attention. TO THE DERMIT an admirer of your fex, to convey through the medium of a magazine, his thoughts and appre PERMIT 5 A late French traveller, and no contemptible writer, remarks upon the abfurdities of the figns in London, without perceiving that they are much more abfurd in Paris; but the latter is in every refpect fuperior to London, for in Paris we often see a fellow fitting in a box fomething like a cobler's ftall, who calls himself a fcrivener, and writes for the benefit of the lower order of people who have not learnt that art. Jult oppofite to me is one of thefe learned men, but he informs the world that he writes for Princes et Seigneurs. Now I am upon this fubject I mu mention another fort of fign very frequent in Paris. Thefe are living heads, generally of the female gender, which are hung out from the fecond, third, and fourth ftories, who are taught to fay, when they fee an Englishman, Saire, Saire-Ponche, Ponchepritte Garl, and fome fuch other inviting words; for punch and a pretty girl are two ftrong temptations to an Englishman at Paris, and though it may be a great way up, he need not trouble himself about getting down, as that is often effected by means of the fame window from whence the fign was hung out, for where houfes are fo high, and ftreets fo very narrow, it is no very easy matter to guefs from which houfe or what window the body was thrown, nor indeed does that much fignify, as the friends or relations of the deceafed will be fure to find it ready ftript at a bone-houfe near the river-fide, which is opened for the reception of the unclaimed dead. Now if it thould be faid, and no doubt it will, that fuch stuff as this is a fign that I have very little to do, I anfwer, it is my province to write fuch ftuff, for what else can you expect from Paris, June 12. LADIES. A WANDERER. henfions relative to the prefent mode of head drefs. I mean not to admonisk; that would discover |