Kysse it hardely with good devocion.
Pot. Thys kysse shall brynge us much promo-
cyon.

Fogh, by Saynt Savyour I never kyst a wars;
Ye were as good kysse All-hallowe's ars;
For by All-hallowes, yet me thynketh,
That All-hallowe's breth stynketh.

Palm. Ye judge All-hallowes breth unknowen; Yf any breth stynke, it is your owne.

Pot. I knowe myne owne breth from All-hallowes,

Or els it were tyme to kisse the galows.

Pard. Nay, sirs, beholde, here inay ye se
The great toe of the Trinitye,
Who to thys toe any money voweth,
And ones may role it in his moueth,
All hys lyfe after, I undertake,

137 He shall never be vext with the tooth ake.
Pot. I praye you torne that relyke aboute;
Either 138 the Trinite had the goute,
Or elles, bycause it is three toes in one,
God made it asmuche 139 as thre toes alone.
Pard. Well, lette that passe, and loke upon thys;
Here is a relyke that doth nat mys
To helpe the leste as well as the moste:
This is a buttocke-bone of Pentecoste.

Pot. By Chryste, and yet for all your boste,
This relyke hath beshyten the roste.
Pard. Mark well thys; thys relyke here is a
whipper,

My frendes 140 unfayned, here 141 is a slypper
Of one of the seven slepers bc
Doutlesse thys kysse shall do you great pleasure:
For all these two dayes it shall so ease you,
That none other savours shall displease you.
Pot. All these two dayes! nay, all these 143

two

One of the seven slepers trode on a torde. Ped. Syr, me thynketh your devocion is but smal.

Pard. Small! mary me thynketh he hath none at all.

Pot. What the devyll care I what ye thinke? Shall I prayse relykes when they stynke?

Pard. Here is an eye-toth of the great Turke:
Whose eyes be ones sette on thys pece of worke
May happely lese part of his eye-syght,
But nat all tyll he be blyr.de outryght.

Pot. What so ever any man seeth,
I have no devocion unto 144 Turkes teeth:
For although I never sawe a greter,
Yet me thynketh I have scne many better.

Pard. Here is a box ful of humble bees,
That stonge Eve as she sat on her knees
Tastynge the frute to her forbydden:
Who kysseth the bees within this hidden,
Shall have asmuche pardon of ryght,
As for any relyke he kyst this nyght.

Pulm. Syr, I will kysse them with all my herte. Pot. Kysse them agayne, and take my parte, For I am nat worthy; nay, lette be, Those bees that stonge Eve shall nat stynge me. Pard. Good frendes, I have here yet in thys

145

glas, Which on the drynke at the weddynge was Of Adam and Eve undoubtedly: If ye honour this relyke devoutly, Although ye thurste no whyt the lesse, Yet shall ye drynke the more, doubtlesse. After whiche drynkynge ye shal be as mete To stande on your hede as on your fete.

146

147

Pot. Ye mary, now I con you thanke; In presens of thys the rest be blanke. Wolde God this relyke had come rather; Kysse that relyke well, good father. Suche is the payne that ye Palmers take, To kisse the pardon bowle for the drynke sake. O holy yeste, that loketh full sowr and stale, For Goddes body, helpe me to a cuppe of ale. The more I beholde 145 thee, the more I thurste: The oftener I kysse the, the more lyke to burste, But sins I kysse the so devoutely,

Hyre me and helpe me with drynke tyll I dye. What, so muche prayeing and so lytell spede?

Pard. Ye, for God knoweth when it is nede To sende folkes drynke; but by Saynt Antony,

140 Frendes-freend, edit. 1569.

139 Asmuche-muche, Ist edit. 141 Here-this, edit. 1569.

145 Yett, edit. 1569.

144 To, Ist edit. 146 Can, 1st edit.

Palm. Ye mary, for I wolde ye knewe,
I thynke my selfe an honest man.

Pot. What thought ye in the contrary than?
Pard. In that I sayde the contrary;
I thynke from trouth I dyd nat vary.
Pot. And what of my wordes?
Pard. I thought ye lyed.

Pot. And so thought I, by God that dyed.
Nowe have you twayne eche for hym selfe layde,
That none 165 hath lyed, but bothe true sayd.
And of you twayne none hath denyed,
But bothe affyrined that I have lyed.
Now syns bothe ye 166 the trouthe confes,
167 How that I lyed, doo bear witnes,
That twain of us may soon agree,
And that the lyer the wynner must be.
Who coulde provyde suche evydens,
As I have done in this pretens?
Me thynketh this matter sufficient
To cause you to gyve judgement;
And to gyve me the mastrye:

For ye perceyve these knaves cannat lye.
Palm. Though neyther 168 of us as yet had lyed;
Yet what we can do is untryed.
For as yet we have devysed nothynge,
But answered you, and geven you hearing.
Ped. Therfore I have devysed one waye
Wherby all thre your mindes may saye :
For eche of you one tale shall tell;
And whiche of you telleth most mervell,
And most unlikest 169 to be true,
Shall most prevayle, what ever ensew.
Pot. If ye be set on mervaylinge,
Then shall ye here a mervaylouse thynge.
And though in deed all be nat true,
Yet suer the most parte shall be new.

I dyd a cure no longer ago,
But in Anno Domini Millesimo,
On a woman yonge and so fayre,
That never have I sene a gayre.
God save all women of 170 that lyknes.
This wanton had the fallen syknes,
Whiche by dissent came lynyally,
For her mother had it naturally:
Wherfore this woman to recure
It was more harde ye may be sure.
But though I boste my crafte is suche,
That in suche thynges I can do muche.
How ofte she fell were muche to reporte;
But her hed so gydy and her helys so shorte,
That with the twynglynge of an eye,
Downe wolde she falle evyn by and by:
But or 171 she wolde aryse agayne

I shewed muche practyse muche to my payne;
For the tallest man within thys towne
Could 172 nat with ease have broken her swowne.
Although for lyfe I dyd nat doute her,
Yet I dyd take more paines 173 about her,
Then I wolde take with mine owne syster:
Syr, at the last I gave her a glyster.
174 I thrust a thampyon in her tewell,
And bad her kepe it for a jewell.

But I knew there 174 it was to heevy to cary,
That I sure was it wolde nat tary:
For where gonpouder is ones fyerd,
The thampyon there wyll no lenger be hyerd,
Whiche was well sene in tyme of this chaunce;
For when I had charged this ordynaunce,
Sodeynly, as it had thonder'd,

Even at a clap losed her buinberd.'75
Now marke, for here begynneth the revell :
This thampion flew ten longe myle levell,

165 None-one, edit. 1569. 167 How, &c.-First edition reads,

166 Ye-your, Ist edit.

163 Neyther-nother, 1st edit. 170 Of-from, 1st edit. 172 Could-Shulde, 1st edit.

169 Unlikest-unlyke, 1st edit. 171 Or-ere, edit. 1569. 173 Paynes-payne, 1st edit.

There-Addition in the 2d edit.

174

175 Bumberd-A piece of ordnance. S.

To a fayre castell of lyme and store,
For strength I know nat suche a one;
Whiche stode upon a byll full hye,
At fote wherof a ryver ranne bye,
So depe tyll chaunce had it forbydden,
176 Well myght the Regent there have ryden.
But when this thampyon at this '77 castell did lyght,
It put the castell so farre to flyght,
That downe they came eche upon other,
No stone left standynge, by Goddes mother,
But rolled downe so faste the hyll
In suche a nomber, and so dyd fyll
From botom to bryme, from shore to shore,
Thys foresayd ryver, so depe before,
That who lyste nowe to walke thereto
May wade it over and wet no shoo.
So was thys castell layd wyde open,
That every man myght se the token.

But in a good houre maye these 178 wordes be spoken:

After the thampyon on the walles was wroken,
And pece by pece in peces broken,
And she delyvered, with suche violens,

Of all her inconveniens,

I left her in good helth and luste;
And so she doth continew, I truste.

Ped. Syr, in your cure I can nothynge tell;
But to your 179 purpose ye have sayd well.
Pard. Well, syr, marke what I can say:
I have ben a pardoner many a day,
And done more cures gostely,
Then ever he dyd bodely;
Namely thys one, whiche ye shall here
Of one departed within thys seven yere,
A frende of myne, and lykewyse I
To her agayne was as frendly;
Who fell so syke so sodeynly,
That dede she was even by and by,
And never spake with preste nor clerke,
Nor had no whyt of holy warke.
For I was thens, it coulde nat be;
Yet harde I say she asked for me.

But when I bethought me howe thys chaunced, And that I have to heven avaunced

So many soules to me but straungers,

And coude nat kepe my frende from daungers,
But she to dy so daungerously,
For her soule helth especially;
That was the thynge that greved me soo,
That nothynge could release my woo
Tyll I had tryed, even out of hande,
In what estate her soule dyd stande.
For whieh tryall, short tale to make,
I toke thys journey for her sake.
Geve ear, for here begynneth the story:
From hens I went to purgatory,
And toke with me thys gere in my fyste,
Whereby I may do there what I lyste.
I knocked, and was let in quyckly;
But Lorde, how lowe the souls made curtesy !
And I to every soule agayne

180

Dyd gyve a beck them to retayne,
And axed them thys question than,
If that the soule of such a woman
Dyd late among them there appere?
Wherto they sayd, she came nat here.
Then ferd I muche it was nat well;
Alas, thought I, she is in hell.

For with her lyfe I was so acqueynted,
That sure, I thought, she was nat sayuted.
With thys, it chaunced me to snese;

Christe help, quoth a soule, that ley for his fees
Those wordes, quoth I, thou shalt nat lees;
Then with these pardons of all degrees,
I payed his tole, and set hym so quyght,
That strayt to heven he toke his flyght;
And I from thens to hell that nyght,
To help this woman yf I myght:
Nat as who sayth by authorite,
But by the waye of entreate.

And fyrst to the devyll that kept the gate

I came, and spake after this rate :

All hayle, Syr Devyll; and made lowe curtesy Welcome, quoth he, thus 15 smillyngly.

177 This-on thys castell lyght, Ist edit.

179 Your-our, 1st edit.

178 These-this, edit. 1569.

He knew me well; and T, at laste,
Remembred him syns longe time paste.
For, as good happe wolde have it chaunce,
This devyll and I were of olde acqueyntaunce;
182 For oft, in the play of Corpus Cristi,
He hath playd the devyll at Coventry.
By his acqueyntance, and my behavoure,
He showed to me ryght frendly favoure.
And, to make my returne the shorter,
I sayd to this devyll, Good mayster porter,
For all olde love, yf it lie in your power,*
Helpe me to speke with my lorde, and your.
Be sure, quoth he, no tongue can tell,
What tyme thou coudest have come so well.
For, as on 183 thys daye Lucyfer fell,
Whiche is our festyvall in hell,
Nothynge unreasonable craved thys day,
That shall in hell have any nay.
But yet be ware thou come nat in,
Tyll tyme thou may 18+ thy pasporte wyn;
Wherfore stand styll, and I will wyt,
Yf I can get thy save condyt.
He taryed nat, but shortely gat it
Under seale, and the devyl's hande at it,
In ample wyse, as ye shall here.
Thus it began: I, Lucifere,

185

By the power of God chefe devyll of hell,
To all the devyls that there do dwell,
And every of them, we sende gretynge,
Under streyght charge and commaundynge,
That they aydynge and assystent be
To such a Pardoner, and named me,
So that he may, at lybertie,
Passe save without any 186 jeopardy,
Tyll that he be from us extyncte,
And clerely out of helle's precincte.
And, hys pardons to kepe in savegarde,
We wyll they lye in the porter's warde.

182 For oft, in the play of Corpus Cristi,

188

Gevyn in the fornes of our palys,
In our high courte of maters of malys,
Suche a day and yere of our reyne.
God save the devyll.-Quoth I, amain. 187
I truste thys wrytynge to be sure:
Then put thy truste, quod he, in euer,
Syns thou art sure to take no harme.
Thys devyll and I walket arme in arme,
So farre, tyll he had brought me thyther,
Where all the devyls of hell togyther
Stode in aray, in suche apparell

190

As for that day there metely fell.
Theyr hornes well gylt, theyr clowes full clene,
Theyr taylles wel kempt, and, as I wene,
With sothery 159 butter theyr bodyes anoynted;
I never sawe devylls so well appoynted.
The mayster devyll sat in his jacket;
And all the soules were playinge at racket.
None other rackettes they hadde in hande,
Save every soule a good fyre-brand;
Wherwith they played so pretely,
That Lucyfer laughed merely.
And all the resedew of the feends,
192 Did laugh thereat ful wel like freends.
But of my frende I sawe no whyt,
Nor durst not ax for her as yet.
Anone all this rout was brought in silens,
And I by an usher brought to presens
193 Of Lucyfer; then lowe, as wel I could,
I knelyd, whiche he so well alowde,
That thus he beckte, and by Saynt Antony
He smyled on me well favouredly,

191

Bendynge his browes, as brode as barne durres;
Shakynge hys eares, as ruged as burres;

Rolynge his eyes, as rounde as two bushels;
Flastynge the fyre out of his nosethryls;
Gnashinge hys teeth so vayngloriously,
That me thought tyme to fall to flattery,

183 As on-Add. in the 2d edit.

185 Wyt-Mr Dodsley's has write.

187. Amain-for playne, 1st edit.

184 May-maist, edit. 1569. 186 Any-hys, 1st edit. 188 Euer-cure, edit. 1569.

191 Feends-frendes, 1st edit.

192 Did, &c.-First edition reads,

193 Of Lucyfer, &c.-First edition reads,